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The world's gone stiff

Needs a little stretch Some oil for the tin man Bend the legs, raise your arms Make an adjustment You don't have to change who you are just scootch a little there is plenty of room It's not a space issue so make room already l o o s e n   u p deep breath water to the mouth find your heart and mind it with your own hand bend adjust stretch reach release receive.

I do all my best crying in the shower.

In this house the bathroom is literally the only room you can be alone, so.  And I don't like crying where people can see. I don't like to ask for help. I should be able to handle this myself. I don't need anyone to see me need* . Don't be obscene. Don't be extra. Don't be. When I was a kid I remember hearing that Vanna White once said that you could just open your mouth in the shower and use it as a water pik. Now you know way too much about my shower habits and that makes me uncomfortable.  *a poem shook life-changing sense back into focus for me. That knot in your shoulder, lump in your throat... those things can dislodge and things can feel okay again. Read Kate Baer's What Kind Of Woman   and give it away as gifts.

Free(ze)

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Overgrown or grown over spilling and free?  Stretched out thin/  or outstretched and reaching, catching, soft landing for what falls in our spread?  Trapped / or escaping ? Discarded/  or adaptable? A little bit of thanatosis* if you will. S urvival. S kill.  A crawl is faster than  never  waking up. * According to a swift Wikipedia search thanatosis is colloquially known as Apparent Death (no wonder it feels like for twenty years I was a ghost)  —  this form of animal deception is an adaptive behavior often used as a defense mechanism. Some of us have to fight, some have to take flight, and many of us have to freeze/ play dead/ we do what we do  as long as we can/  as long as we have to.  This life.  view on Instagram

Mountains and trees

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Sisters, Oregon I was supposed to be in Colorado last week. My parents were going to meet us there. I haven't hugged them since June of 2019. That's almost 18 months. I still kept my time off of work and "vacationed" at home. I mostly cooked and a memory of an old life almost came into view, of how things used to be. I didn't let myself go there for too long, and that's a good thing. Some might see denial, however what they don't know is that on this side of my boundary it looks a lot different, and it guards me. hazelnut farm Luna (I learned she was trans a couple years ago now, and we adjusted -- didn't bat an eye -- this in no way offers anyone an accurate depiction of how easy or difficult it is for her nor does it represent the "beliefs" of some of her blood relatives about which I have a lot to say a lot maybe we will chat about it sometime) is in 9th grade via remote learning for... ages now , since the beginning of the shut down befor

Wedding ring

What did you do with your wedding ring when you divorced?  I stopped wearing it immediately. It was a piece of jewelry that I always liked, even if it represented something that I did not like. When I needed money, I made up a number in my head that I wouldn't go below and I sold it to a local jeweler.  My only regret is that I was put in a position where I was forced to sell it. I would have probably kept it otherwise, but for what I'm not sure. Probably to keep just in case I needed the money. So.  Now I tend to wear giant rings on all of my fingers. None of them are fine jewelry and that is fine with me.  

Into the woods

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I escaped to a cabin in the woods for a few days to work on writing and music. We drove through a blizzard in the mountains in the dark and I considered for the second time in a matter of days that I might just be too brave sometimes. Anyway I can’t wait to see what the outdoors looks like here in the morning! The night snow is sparkly and cleansing. I can hear the river but haven’t seen it yet.  PS I want to tell people I love them more. I want to love more people. I want people to love more.  PPS I am going to sketch President Biden and Vice President Harris helping us off the rollercoaster one by one and sitting us down to rest and warm our hands by the dumpster fire of this current life and they serve us hot cocoa in mugs and tell us everything is going to be all right in a soft and calm and even voice and we believe even if it’s just for a moment that hope is available and there’s plenty in stock, no limit.  Pssst update here’s my first draft lol: 

Comes a Time

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Here is something I made with James in our bedroom. (He plays the guitar beautifully and did all the mixing and put it on a CD for me and I don't know how to share it here other than mailing people CDs that they would  then have to figure out how to play. So I took a video of the CD playing on my computer at work.)  This song is a cover by Neil Young, Comes a Time has always been one of my favorite songs my whole life.