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Can it be some of and not always at the same time?

I am going to start. Plotting my coordinates. How much I've been asking of myself to keep a mental record of it all.  I need to be writing it all down.  In the car on my way back to work after a lunch break at home, breathing deep hoping the radio delivers and it does with Pannonica by Thelonious Monk And I'm rescued. I'm back. We have supports! Use your supports. Music. Scents. Air. Stretching. Water. Stones. (sometimes for me that also includes nuzzling my people, podcasts, coffee, messenger, shopping for books, playing gardenscapes on my phone, writing bits in my notes app, cannabis, instagram stories) Maybe I filled a hole, a wound, and it was deeper than passersby could see so it looked like it took extraordinarily long but I was just working away in there as best I could until I was high enough to  climb out.  Maybe I am going to find the best of what's right now and exploit the shit out of it.  I have summer goals, yes I do. I am going to write and I'm goin
I am trying to illustrate: in my mindfulness time just a bit ago I envisioned myself like a soft dandelion ball bumping into my well meaning friends pin ball flipper style, my very wise friends, who are rooting for me and want the best for me and are all telling me the same thing even though they don't even know each other, and they are not wrong and I know it, but I don't want to feel that yet, and I try to float about and avoid the bumps but they are there guiding me still and the more I let them support me the more I am supported and I am strong enough to face the thing they are telling me and I am finally listening in a way so that I can be that friend to myself and then I know it inside me and out, and it doesn't matter how long it took, and before I know it it's released and it's up and gone and no longer here anymore and I feel relief and then I panic thinking I have lost something that I am going to miss.  I am not going to miss feeling like that anymore. 

Never is not the right time

There are times I want to write but it feels like a Brillo pad between me and the words, and it's uncomfortable so out of self care I avoid the discomfort and give myself room to take my time and write when you can, take it easy, don't rush, don't feel guilty this isn't your fault you need to conserve your energy. But Brillo pads are super useful if you've got some tough work to do and  I think about it and I'm like, yeah, I need to feel the scrubbing because it's the only way to get clean, or remove the dead... Sometimes things die on us and we are so downtrodden we don't rid ourselves of what isn't giving us life. We act like it's part of us now. It will take forever to get anywhere if we don't get rid of this insignificant weight. Are you in the present? Is it from the past? It is no longer.   I'm going to forget this the moment I click publish. I will start from the bottom every day, learning all over again. Practice practice and yo

time

Sixteen minutes until the eggs are boiled. I set the timer. 16 mins to take for myself to write. I can do that.  If I can multitask self care self love does it still count? I always do best under pressure. Or is that a lie I’ve accidentally believed all along? I rally. It’s what I do. But my mode is stuck there. Under pressure.  Under pressure that burns a building down  I bought a moon journal, to write down the magical things that happen to me unexpectedly. Opening all my eyes, and considering if the only way out is through, then I think I’m almost out. Like, my building is burning down and that isn’t the end of me. It means I can finally rebuild. What I’ve been resisting is what I’ve been waiting for, to be able to continue. Why does it have to be this hard? I am learning to not ask that question anymore. 

getting through it

I’m sad and my stomach hurts. I am happiest when I’m falling asleep. Listen to the noise fan. Bed, dresser shelf. Naming the items between me and the door. And sad again when I wake up. Bed, dresser, shelf. I drink water and know it’s upkeep, didn’t realize I was so thirsty until it’s to my mouth.  I sit in the sun. It isn’t even a decision. I find myself out there, the patio chairs were wet so I unroll a yoga mat and sit. Move or stretch wherever my body lands. I have been holding my breath because it feels better that way right now, stops the stomach ache and the feelings. I try to breathe like you’re supposed to, deep in through the nose and out through the mouth. Feel the air. Be the air.  I eat because I’m so empty and only because it makes it harder to sleep. I tell the people who need to know how I’m feeling. Most take it okay. The one person I want to save me throws me farther out to sea. I’m sure everyone is worried about me and I’m trying to not let that add to the weight on

pause

I’m not stuck. I’m moving perfectly fine however the air in my rear tires has been running low and Noah has a toothache  And I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the illusion  that I can do this This past year put a lot of people on a level playing field mentally, you could say it leveled us  So it’s more “normal” to be struggling. It’s more acceptable to admit you’re struggling without judgment. I guess.  It’s starting to feel too dark in here, and you know I’m always always shining my light in search of more light.  I’m not stuck. I’m just going to sit down for a moment and soak in my own light. It feels like everything is on fire! But it’s not.  I can do this. 

I can have things how I want

 Sometimes I remember this.  There’s more I want to say, might have to save it for my book. But today I’m enjoying the feeling because it came to me at 5:48am while I wrote a grocery list, and it’s not a someday dream, it’s real life now.  Just for fun I looked up Proverbs 31 because I wanted to read it from this side, because here I am rising early and preparing to feed my family for the day and wondering what the fuck is up with all these feelings swerving about inside me?  The first site I clicked on had a post titled   7 Lessons I’ve Learned About Homemaking from Proverbs 31 and it came with   an interesting disclaimer: that we need to remember what the Bible describes is the Proverbs 31 woman’s greatest hits, that it wasn’t literally, like, supposed to be or even possible to be her every day and also she had servants and you should, too. LOL um what. Things have changed. Could someone had led with that when I learned about this one all my life? As far as I knew that was the only