VerySo

It's November 1st Eve, the night before NaNoWriMo and so I figured why not get a head start as I stand at my laptop in the kitchen while I fix up our food for what I hope lasts us through the day so I don't have to cook again for a while.  I'm like a kid on Christmas morning just before padding down the hallway to approach the packages under the tree. I'm going to write everyday. I also start REHEARSALS!! for the play I was just cast in.  And I'm not going to say I'm writing again or getting into theater finally since X many years .  I'm writing. I'm doing theater. I'm being me. Giving myself stuff to look forward to every morning.  

These things happen to me. I need to get a new tire, all new tires really and just have not yet. So it's a lot of trips checking the air in my tires at the gas station until I get this fixed. And last time the little cap for the tire valve went ploop right into my hubcap and apparently lost forever. I added a trip to Auto Zone for more caps to my never ending to-do list and you guessed it, haven't made it there yet.  Well this morning when I was airing up the ol' tires again I saw a smooshed cap on the ground. Hmm I wondered if that one was mine... and then I thought I should just take a look around that whole area. And I found a cap in some leaves up against the curb that happened to fit just fine in place of my missing one. So, win? Felt like it at least!  Ivy's away game was cancelled today, so now I don't have to feel guilty about missing it, or stressed about how I could possibly make it work to go. I want to get to the place where those are not factors in ou

I made it to the end of this day -- this whole weekend -- and I don't feel defeated. I am happy with the choices I made and am making, the pause I'm taking instead of hitting every single beat . Being okay with the chaos; surrendering to the flow even if sometimes it feels like I'm falling off a cliff. The lie is that once I fall it's into nothingness. That I should think it's over. The truth is that I never end. Letting go [of my false sense of control] creates the momentum necessary to survive. I'm getting to know it better.

I got up this morning with less buzzing pressure in my heart, the anxiousness ever-present but making itself more comfortable at home there, cozying up on the little couch inside my chest.  I could give up on this day from the start, or I can do at least one something. I got dressed. I put in a load of laundry and the sunny foggy fall morning guided me to take Penny for a walk while the washer was running. And when we got back it was ready for the dryer and look I'm already in a rhythm.  I'm taking this time to do nothing in particular until the rest of my people wake up, see if someone wants to go to the Saturday market with me, maybe find goodies to do some baking and soup making later today. When I don't resist, these are some things that lead me back to me.