VerySo

To say I’ve been on edge Is not accurate just like I’m not entirely sure where the edges are in the first place     Or maybe it’s that I know I’m on the edge but I can’t see far enough to know how much room is left before I fall right off?  And how far down to the bottom anyway? I mean for all I know I’m two inches off the ground. My heart does not know the difference.  What is that? Losing my grip? Of something I shouldn’t be holding onto anyway? Today was dragging. Mondays I’m usually more upbeat but today I wasn’t and I just know it was noticeable and I hate that. But as I’ve set my compass toward being real and not faking my life anymore I’m less likely to try to hide when I’m just not feeling it. I need to get used to this “bad” feeling when I stick up for myself and can not wait for it to not feel like this someday, for me to feel like this is more me. To forget I was ever even like that.  I came right outside when I got home and watered my plants (something *for me* that also me

I’m still writing every day even if it’s not here. I decided I should let myself have days off posting and then that snowballed. But that’s what I needed and I leaned in.   I’m tired of thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. Ugh. What do I want to be in my *off time* when I grow up? What do I want to do after I get home from my job? I want there to be nature and fresh air and sky and quiet, stillness that has a rhythm. I want there to be nights of no plans, of just whatever.   I got home today and went immediately to the stove to get my pans heated for tacos and grilled veggies and rice. I poured myself an icy drink and put on a playlist and got it done, and all the toppings! And I unloaded the dishwasher and the sink is currently empty. (Note: 90% of the time Noah does all the dishes and this is only exaggerating in the way that he probably does them more often than that.) So I felt extra good for doing that so he didn’t have to!  Now I’m doing what I want to do. Stretched o