VerySo

I’m sad and my stomach hurts. I am happiest when I’m falling asleep. Listen to the noise fan. Bed, dresser shelf. Naming the items between me and the door. And sad again when I wake up. Bed, dresser, shelf. I drink water and know it’s upkeep, didn’t realize I was so thirsty until it’s to my mouth.  I sit in the sun. It isn’t even a decision. I find myself out there, the patio chairs were wet so I unroll a yoga mat and sit. Move or stretch wherever my body lands. I have been holding my breath because it feels better that way right now, stops the stomach ache and the feelings. I try to breathe like you’re supposed to, deep in through the nose and out through the mouth. Feel the air. Be the air.  I eat because I’m so empty and only because it makes it harder to sleep. I tell the people who need to know how I’m feeling. Most take it okay. The one person I want to save me throws me farther out to sea. I’m sure everyone is worried about me and I’m trying to not let that add to the weight on

I’m not stuck. I’m moving perfectly fine however the air in my rear tires has been running low and Noah has a toothache  And I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the illusion  that I can do this This past year put a lot of people on a level playing field mentally, you could say it leveled us  So it’s more “normal” to be struggling. It’s more acceptable to admit you’re struggling without judgment. I guess.  It’s starting to feel too dark in here, and you know I’m always always shining my light in search of more light.  I’m not stuck. I’m just going to sit down for a moment and soak in my own light. It feels like everything is on fire! But it’s not.  I can do this. 

 Sometimes I remember this.  There’s more I want to say, might have to save it for my book. But today I’m enjoying the feeling because it came to me at 5:48am while I wrote a grocery list, and it’s not a someday dream, it’s real life now.  Just for fun I looked up Proverbs 31 because I wanted to read it from this side, because here I am rising early and preparing to feed my family for the day and wondering what the fuck is up with all these feelings swerving about inside me?  The first site I clicked on had a post titled   7 Lessons I’ve Learned About Homemaking from Proverbs 31 and it came with   an interesting disclaimer: that we need to remember what the Bible describes is the Proverbs 31 woman’s greatest hits, that it wasn’t literally, like, supposed to be or even possible to be her every day and also she had servants and you should, too. LOL um what. Things have changed. Could someone had led with that when I learned about this one all my life? As far as I knew that was the only

How to be hard and soft at the same time. When my factory settings are soft. At least that’s what I’ve always thought about myself.  I’m the charging station: people come to me. I wait in expectation of being needed. I’m going to start seeking the hug first, create/nurture the connection before I’m seen only as a need exchange. Like I’ve come to see me.

 I have needs. And it’s okay to let people know I have needs. And I should really think about this, get serious and identify specific needs that I’m burying. But that makes me want to take a nap just typing that out. Why does that make me want to take a nap? My chin and nose tingle and my whole body goes warm sleepy. That idea - to just take a moment to look at something in the face - an act that could be transforming and all around positive experience, growth... causes fear in my being and I play dead? And I’m okay with this. Am I okay with this? What is me and what is the me that gets to be messed up me before it’s too much? Is there any going back? Everything is inside out. Upside down. I say it all the time, sometimes daily. Everything is upside down. Or reverse images. It feels slightly shifted just slightly off. I can feel what slightly feels like. It doesn’t feel right. “I avoid confrontation.” Is something I’ve said. A lot. Like it’s a boundary. Like it’s a quirk. Like it’s som

It’s a purple morning from what I can see slipping through the bedroom blinds, I layered the blankets on the bed last night to be the perfect mix of weight, warmth, and un-bunchiness and I’m going to stay here as long as I can. I search Google for sleep snorkels so I can nuzzle into James’ chest and still be covered up but able to breathe. Sounds like it’s an idea but not a true invention, at least nothing comfortable enough from what I can tell.  Am I ready to face this day? In a little bit I’m going to drive to get Luna & Ivy from their dads. I’m going to to stop by Starbucks on the way. That will cheer me up. I gingerly check my Facebook memories. Did I start posting about quarantine around this time last year? Nothing yet. I need to message their dad about some summer dates. Dread. I have done nothing wrong but why does it feel like I have when I need any response from him even if it’s just a confirmation of days on a calendar? I did text the other day but looks like I’m going