some pain

 I have needs. And it’s okay to let people know I have needs. And I should really think about this, get serious and identify specific needs that I’m burying. But that makes me want to take a nap just typing that out. Why does that make me want to take a nap? My chin and nose tingle and my whole body goes warm sleepy. That idea - to just take a moment to look at something in the face - an act that could be transforming and all around positive experience, growth... causes fear in my being and I play dead? And I’m okay with this. Am I okay with this? What is me and what is the me that gets to be messed up me before it’s too much? Is there any going back?

Everything is inside out. Upside down. I say it all the time, sometimes daily. Everything is upside down. Or reverse images. It feels slightly shifted just slightly off. I can feel what slightly feels like. It doesn’t feel right.

“I avoid confrontation.” Is something I’ve said. A lot. Like it’s a boundary. Like it’s a quirk. Like it’s something to be proud of. Like it’s a flaw in my character. Avoiding confrontation is just another response. It’s nothing to brag about but also it’s no different than any other fight for survival, so. Don’t beat yourself up about it. You expect a lot from yourself and it’s always going to let you down because it’s unrealistic. and you know that. 

Am I always reacting, this is for forever? Have the responses become part of my new personality?  You can heal but you can also take some pain with you if you find it useful.