VerySo

 It's 6:13 am. I've been up for about an hour or more, tossing, turning. It finally sank in and I believed myself when I say over and over, "You're safe, baby. You're safe." I claim this early morning, short glass of cold brew, under blanket on the couch as much-needed. I am very deficient in alone time. I'm not alone, in a house full of sleeping people. But it is the closest I will get for now.  It's dark, pitch black in the kitchen. The glow from the streetlight behind my house shows that fog is heavy and low and engulfing the houses behind mine. I wish for this moment to last all day.  I want to write and tell you everything. If I show all my cards, could it harm me? What I am asking is... what am I asking? 

  What is a curse, of yours   that really isn’t a curse?,  I think, awake at 5:06 am and noticing the quiet and that literally my only chance at alone “down” time is right now. The night is still outside and the stars, and the stillness. Every opportunity to get to see what the colors of the sunrise will be is always marvelous.  They are telling us that smoke from the wildfires should be making its way to our skies later today. I can see the haze over the mountains on my drive to work this morning. It's become a regular part of our weather here, a mini season I suppose, fire season. Pretty much the same time for the past few years. I did not handle it well the first couple times. Those were really bad fires with air that smelled burnt and ominous, and the sky was orange, like we lived on another planet now. Do we? I feel like a visitor. Are aliens even from another galaxy at all?  I started to believe it was possible that we'd never see blue or white clouds agai...

Luvvie Ajayi Jones It’s on my right knee. In the shape of a chicken’s foot, a lightning strike with three legs, and is a dirty purple color that to this day I claim is the gravel that was left inside and my skin grew over.   I must have been about 10 or 11, it was when we were living on Pryor Rd in the late 80’s and I was riding my ten speed through the neighborhood behind our house. It began to rain and I hurried too fast around a turn, spilling onto that super tiny almost soft (but actually little daggers) kind of dusty gravel. My knee was black and felt like it was burning. I made it home as fast as I could, crying through the house to find Mom. She administered first aid in her bedroom bathroom by pouring hydrogen peroxide generously over my bloody dirty knee and I felt so betrayed by that sizzling sting. Then Neosporin, then bandaid, then a summer-long scab that I thought my mom’s friend Marcia’s pool would heal. And no amount of dog licks worked either.  So, 35 years lat...

I need to be writing down the good days. It’s come to this. I need to keep track of this. Proof.  Sometimes the clouds part and the mirage fades/the fog burns off and I see a glimpse of things being okay. This weekend I woke up early and didn’t begrudge it, I *embraced* it. I made a giant breakfast of waffles with the new waffle maker I finally got around to buying, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, fresh cut strawberries and blueberries. People ate as they got up from bed throughout the morning/afternoon. I napped. Found soccer cleats for Ivy at Play It Again Sports. She’s starting soccer this week and is all prepared now. Big relief.  Carter bought a new used car and needed help transporting the vehicles back and forth to Salem so we made a family trip of it and after we dropped him off where he needed to be, James, Luna, & Ivy and I hit up some stores for last minute school prep: Luna’s first Ulta trip (thankful to the gal helping us navigate the store & that she didn’t even...

Do you ever feel like you contain a galaxy? Inside you   And you fit it within your body, holding it in (at least that’s what we see on the outside)   No one could ever know your depths  And the strength that it takes to shoulder that wall, it all. And that this is why you seem so far away even though you are right here  This is why when we find each other  we call out. It feels so rare to be seen from so far away! (So you must be special.) (We must be special.) I’m on day two of a pretty intense anxiety spiral, facing some consequences of previous choices (or non-choices, “I'll be better off there  Where there's nothing to choose 🎶  So there's nothing to lose”)   but  I’m  being loving to myself by taking things slow, really feeling the many different waves of emotions: it is so uncomfortable but I love waves! So I’m listening to music (Portland Cello Project’s covers of Elliott Smith) with a glass of ice water, sitting in the sun. ...

Pre-divorce we had a refrigerator that could accommodate Costco trips and it had a water and ice dispenser in the door- crushed or whole. Sometimes I miss that part of that life, but not really. I was just thinking about it today with my hands deep in a bag of party size ice from the store. I transfer it into ziplocks to keep in the freezer on these hot weather stretches. The cold on my hands feels good and powerful and I like to fill my hands with as many cubes as I can. I store the rest in the mini fridge on the back porch that sometimes houses leftovers and the kids’ energy drinks     they think they’re sneaking in.   It’s Sunday night and I feel a sense of boredom. I feel like the further I get away from writing, the things distracting me start to lose their luster. That’s the only way I can explain why I get drawn back here.  The cobwebs need attention and then I remember oh, they actually have a purpose. It’s not that I forgot but it’s just not what I originall...

I am not good at keeping in touch   It’s like I have no control over this  I know  the requirement, to take part in the give and take  and that it is all my taking I can give, I am able, but it’s limited-ish?  Is what I’m trying to say.  And it’s like how I sleep sometimes I’m a turn away-er, I do it in my sleep unaware that I’m turning my back to my love it’s the way I move naturally through this atmosphere I turn  I am a rotater I do not stay still  And as I turn the lid closes behind me The lid from me to you  The draw bridge   and I do not turn to face it or try to lift or jump across. I don’t even think about it I don’t see it  I curl up, curl in  sleep It’s how my axis skews The access to me to you  I’ve tried so hard to be the one who initiates the keeping in touch.  I bought regular stamps and post card stamps and lots of notecards. They are right where I can see them but there is no will from my thought ...

To say I’ve been on edge Is not accurate just like I’m not entirely sure where the edges are in the first place     Or maybe it’s that I know I’m on the edge but I can’t see far enough to know how much room is left before I fall right off?  And how far down to the bottom anyway? I mean for all I know I’m two inches off the ground. My heart does not know the difference.  What is that? Losing my grip? Of something I shouldn’t be holding onto anyway? Today was dragging. Mondays I’m usually more upbeat but today I wasn’t and I just know it was noticeable and I hate that. But as I’ve set my compass toward being real and not faking my life anymore I’m less likely to try to hide when I’m just not feeling it. I need to get used to this “bad” feeling when I stick up for myself and can not wait for it to not feel like this someday, for me to feel like this is more me. To forget I was ever even like that.  I came right outside when I got home and watered my plants (somethi...

I’m still writing every day even if it’s not here. I decided I should let myself have days off posting and then that snowballed. But that’s what I needed and I leaned in.   I’m tired of thinking about what I want to be when I grow up. Ugh. What do I want to be in my *off time* when I grow up? What do I want to do after I get home from my job? I want there to be nature and fresh air and sky and quiet, stillness that has a rhythm. I want there to be nights of no plans, of just whatever.   I got home today and went immediately to the stove to get my pans heated for tacos and grilled veggies and rice. I poured myself an icy drink and put on a playlist and got it done, and all the toppings! And I unloaded the dishwasher and the sink is currently empty. (Note: 90% of the time Noah does all the dishes and this is only exaggerating in the way that he probably does them more often than that.) So I felt extra good for doing that so he didn’t have to!  Now I’m doing what I...

Yesterday, Memorial Day, I was sorting through some boxes in the garage, trying to make room at some point for the little VW bug Carter recently brought home to work on. I was hoping to have gone through all of this by now, but 5 years is how long it’s taken me to face some of these bins. Feels like a milestone, 5 years of healing. A stray dog came and found me standing there with the garage door open, and I spent the next 30 minutes corralling her away from our busy road and reuniting her with very worried owners. Her name is Riley and she was a a rescue, too. My goal is to go through at least one box a day. The emotional energy it takes definitely surprised me. Also, why oh why do we hang on to so much stuff? See previous sentence. Most of it’s trash now sadly, embarrassingly. But then I come across something boxed willy nilly among items I was about to toss… the first dress I bought for Ivy from Butterfly Kisses when I was pregnant with her. Kid notes in bright marker on lined paper...

I just brought the soup to a boil and now have time to simmer while it simmers. So far we’ve scootched the couch up closer to the tv for Mario Kart & a 90’s Spotify playlist, or to catch up on Jeopardy or old SNL or I’ve been listening to Molly Shannon’s memoir on Audible while I play a game on my phone, legs stretched out on the couch with my poochie by my side. Being able to feel the pause when you’re actually really paused is a special kind of ecstasy. It’s an announcement that you’re in the moment without taking yourself out of the moment. You can stay right where you are, no worries of slipping, you’re safe and ready for this moment because you’re stronger now, see? Everything feels easy right now because I planned ahead so that I could make it feel easy. But the fact that I had the energy to plan anything at all — is huge. Is yay. Is a quest to how can I keep this momentum going? The windows and doors are opening up and good weather is outside, too? The windows and doors open...

I don’t usually shower after work, my job is mostly at my desk, but when I got home I was desperate to scrub this entire week off of me.  What a week to start blogging daily again. But it shouldn’t be a surprise because blogging has saved me before, and I’m all about grabbing at any and all life saving equipment within reach.  I stocked up on groceries for the next several days and every where you go people want to know if you’ve got any plans this weekend? And I look at them and try to send a message with my eyes that I’m about to burst into tears prolly best to not talk to me at all but my mouth says “Soup. I’m making a big pot of soup because it’s going to be rainy.”  I’m making soup because it’ll last and because you eat more slowly when you’re having soup. And we need all the help we can get when it comes to slowing down how fast we eat. We’re going to watch the new Stranger Things and have a hot pretzel bites party with popcorn and candy. By the grace that can be fo...

The Covid Times I can’t smell at all sometimes, like zero. And then all at once I smell everything intensely all at once.  I can’t feel at all sometimes, like zero. And then all at once I feel everything intensely all at once.  Tonight Ivy had a hair appointment and James and I ate at the bar of a restaurant around the corner until she was finished. I checked the clock on my phone a lot, feeling pressed for time for some reason, rushed when time wasn’t going anywhere for a good bit. I have to remind myself often of this. Slower strides, bites, slower sits, breaths, slower down.

I have to feed myself despite having a stomach full of rocks  right now  I stand over the stove weary, then b rightened, when I remember how I love a good sear on the skin of a pepper   What else do I love? Soft things. Easy stuff.  Yesterday somewhere I read that a fossil is just a stone’s memory of the bones. If I’d known it would take this long I am not sure I would have been so serious about growing up  And how official it feels, back then  And how many times you’ll change your mind  I backspaced all the way out of an instant message I was going to send to James the other day: “Hacks starts up again this Thursday, didn’t want to forget” So I x’ed back out of it  Because it feels pathetic  It feels sad  It feels like I should have more interesting things to message my partner about  Especially in these days I don’t shame but I’m ashamed of how much screen time … But like there’s so many good shows  And some of them I’ve...

I ask my daughter what generational curses does she imagine she will need to break someday and let’s break them now  Mom why are you distant? Mommy’s grieving at the thought of losing you like that.  She asks, why would an 18 year old kid want to kill little kids at school? I do not know the answer.  I want to say we need to teach more empathy and non violence, but we are and we do, and still. Maybe there hasn’t been enough time to start seeing results yet. I try to say that we can’t understand it because it does not make sense, and so there’s no way to make it make sense. And that is terrifying.  We must find an answer. We have to break this.  I try to prepare her for if and when it happens        to her I will understand if you choose to be a hero and I understand if you hide, and I understand if you can not get away. You won’t even know until you are in the moment, so don’t only practice one way out of it.  I try to prepare for if and...

The landscape crew was already finishing up when I arrived at the office this morning. The sun was shining, the grass smelled so fresh,  the dew on the Japanese maple shimmered as I passed, and so I slowed my step, breathing in deep through my nose and out with relief and hope for this day.  Good morning! I told the guy with the leaf blower as he stopped to let me pass. And I noticed that I really meant it! I’m going to write this down. I should be  want to be writing more things down.  All day I made a plan to sit in the sun when I got home from work. I just want to sit in the sun and breathe. And that's what I did. I am still out here actually.  James and I did sneak away for sushi and I spooned slow sips of miso soup and closed my eyes a lot. I wanted to stay outside until the sky turned green blue purple. After dinner I brought my guitar out onto the back porch and practiced a bit. If I tried to give up being on my phone so much I would probably spend more t...