Wildfires

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 What is a curse, of yours that really isn’t a curse?, I think, awake at 5:06 am and noticing the quiet and that literally my only chance at alone “down” time is right now. The night is still outside and the stars, and the stillness. Every opportunity to get to see what the colors of the sunrise will be is always marvelous. 


They are telling us that smoke from the wildfires should be making its way to our skies later today. I can see the haze over the mountains on my drive to work this morning.


It's become a regular part of our weather here, a mini season I suppose, fire season. Pretty much the same time for the past few years. I did not handle it well the first couple times. Those were really bad fires with air that smelled burnt and ominous, and the sky was orange, like we lived on another planet now. Do we? I feel like a visitor. Are aliens even from another galaxy at all? 


I started to believe it was possible that we'd never see blue or white clouds again, or the bright yellow sun that was replaced by a flourescent red bulb. But it did burn off and go away eventually. I smelled smoke for weeks after and would start to panic thinking it was new and happening again. Maybe it was phantom scents or what still lingered, like the umber ash that dusted everything it could touch. 


Stop light over your head. But it means go.


Some choose to flee this. If they have the means. Our bodies are responding to alert us to go in the other direction. People with anxiety already deal with escaping wildfires of emotions in their minds daily (hourly, minutely), now it’s for real, and we have to stay? 


Because there’s no where else to go. Straight into the fire, or into the smoke? And either way, blocking the roads for those who have no other choice but to evacuate. 


The mountains look like they have an instagram filter over them now, aged to look like an old photo. We are staying. So while we're here I announce that we're not going to resist it. Maybe it will pass over by morning. I say to the hell with it! and "Welcome!” (Since it's gonna come anyway.) 

This is something you actually can not control. (Is it?)


And then so, let it not leave a mark, let it be on its way. Teach me to be stronger for next time, to be even more ready, just please don't wear me out. 


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I can't end this post like that. It sounds so defeated and I'm not. I am happy right now, I am feeling feelings. I am comfortable with reality for what will probably last just a brief moment in time and I want to keep track. 


Who am I? I am Here. I am here because my ancestors evolved by adapting, by resilience, by submission? by not knowing any different they survived. Whatever, I am from them but and I am a One of These Kids is Doing Their Own Thing/One of These Things is Not Like The Others. I am a cycle-breaker. I am a Promise with a capital P. 


It doesn't scare me at allThis is an alarm-callSo wake-up, wake-up nowWoo-oo-ooh!Today has never happenedAnd it doesn't frighten me


-Alarm Call, Bjork


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