VerySo

I am trying to illustrate: in my mindfulness time just a bit ago I envisioned myself like a soft dandelion ball bumping into my well meaning friends pin ball flipper style, my very wise friends, who are rooting for me and want the best for me and are all telling me the same thing even though they don't even know each other, and they are not wrong and I know it, but I don't want to feel that yet, and I try to float about and avoid the bumps but they are there guiding me still and the more I let them support me the more I am supported and I am strong enough to face the thing they are telling me and I am finally listening in a way so that I can be that friend to myself and then I know it inside me and out, and it doesn't matter how long it took, and before I know it it's released and it's up and gone and no longer here anymore and I feel relief and then I panic thinking I have lost something that I am going to miss.  I am not going to miss feeling like that anymore. 

There are times I want to write but it feels like a Brillo pad between me and the words, and it's uncomfortable so out of self care I avoid the discomfort and give myself room to take my time and write when you can, take it easy, don't rush, don't feel guilty this isn't your fault you need to conserve your energy. But Brillo pads are super useful if you've got some tough work to do and  I think about it and I'm like, yeah, I need to feel the scrubbing because it's the only way to get clean, or remove the dead... Sometimes things die on us and we are so downtrodden we don't rid ourselves of what isn't giving us life. We act like it's part of us now. It will take forever to get anywhere if we don't get rid of this insignificant weight. Are you in the present? Is it from the past? It is no longer.   I'm going to forget this the moment I click publish. I will start from the bottom every day, learning all over again. Practice practice and yo

Sixteen minutes until the eggs are boiled. I set the timer. 16 mins to take for myself to write. I can do that.  If I can multitask self care self love does it still count? I always do best under pressure. Or is that a lie I’ve accidentally believed all along? I rally. It’s what I do. But my mode is stuck there. Under pressure.  Under pressure that burns a building down  I bought a moon journal, to write down the magical things that happen to me unexpectedly. Opening all my eyes, and considering if the only way out is through, then I think I’m almost out. Like, my building is burning down and that isn’t the end of me. It means I can finally rebuild. What I’ve been resisting is what I’ve been waiting for, to be able to continue. Why does it have to be this hard? I am learning to not ask that question anymore.