VerySo

I am not good at keeping in touch   It’s like I have no control over this  I know  the requirement, to take part in the give and take  and that it is all my taking I can give, I am able, but it’s limited-ish?  Is what I’m trying to say.  And it’s like how I sleep sometimes I’m a turn away-er, I do it in my sleep unaware that I’m turning my back to my love it’s the way I move naturally through this atmosphere I turn  I am a rotater I do not stay still  And as I turn the lid closes behind me The lid from me to you  The draw bridge   and I do not turn to face it or try to lift or jump across. I don’t even think about it I don’t see it  I curl up, curl in  sleep It’s how my axis skews The access to me to you  I’ve tried so hard to be the one who initiates the keeping in touch.  I bought regular stamps and post card stamps and lots of notecards. They are right where I can see them but there is no will from my thought ...

If I was the kind of person who chose a word for the New Year (I am, but I don't like to put the pressure on myself, so I say I'm not that kind of person anyway) I would pick the word "release." Maybe I will. I've already made a chart of the holiday movies I want us to watch in the coming weeks maybe starting now, and gifts are already being bought and I am not rushing things I realized- if I didn't get this much of a head start I would never ever catch up. I always feel so impossibly far behind this really is my only chance. This is the way I survive right now. More realizations. I need to let go  of the grip I have on my babies but they were my life jackets  and I was drowning and I used them. And I love them so much that I don't want them to feel like they had to keep me afloat. Now that I'm knowing better I'm doing better, but it's a lot on my mind. So, release means to set free from. It doesn't mean chuck it out the window, or give u...

I got up this morning with less buzzing pressure in my heart, the anxiousness ever-present but making itself more comfortable at home there, cozying up on the little couch inside my chest.  I could give up on this day from the start, or I can do at least one something. I got dressed. I put in a load of laundry and the sunny foggy fall morning guided me to take Penny for a walk while the washer was running. And when we got back it was ready for the dryer and look I'm already in a rhythm.  I'm taking this time to do nothing in particular until the rest of my people wake up, see if someone wants to go to the Saturday market with me, maybe find goodies to do some baking and soup making later today. When I don't resist, these are some things that lead me back to me.  

 I'm lost. And I can't find myself anywhere.  I am a closed up clam, shut so tight that you'd think that's just a rock . But what I have inside- OH MY GOODNESS I've been holding on to so much inside here. But it's all old news and past hurts and things that just aren't in cool to bring up anymore and when I finally one day feel a little safe space to just loosen my grip and release a little out, test the waters, let's see how safe it really is out there for all I've been holding in... it's just too late. And some of it is going to hurt people other than just myself. (Which is why I keep holding it in, I guess, thinking I can carry it to the end? Not realizing the cavern I've created with a weight heavier than a shipping container full of moldy LuLaRoe leggings and here I've made everyone else go away anyways. They are so far across the divide. Because of me and all my clammed up undealt-with trash.) It's so scary lonely here.  (So do...