Help me I'm lost

-

 I'm lost. And I can't find myself anywhere. 


I am a closed up clam, shut so tight that you'd think that's just a rock. But what I have inside- OH MY GOODNESS I've been holding on to so much inside here. But it's all old news and past hurts and things that just aren't in cool to bring up anymore and when I finally one day feel a little safe space to just loosen my grip and release a little out, test the waters, let's see how safe it really is out there for all I've been holding in... it's just too late. And some of it is going to hurt people other than just myself.

(Which is why I keep holding it in, I guess, thinking I can carry it to the end? Not realizing the cavern I've created with a weight heavier than a shipping container full of moldy LuLaRoe leggings and here I've made everyone else go away anyways. They are so far across the divide. Because of me and all my clammed up undealt-with trash.) It's so scary lonely here. 

(So does this mean they will be far enough from the shrapnel when I explode? So you're saying now it's safe?)

There is never a good time because this is all stuff I should have dealt with by now. Welcome to my shame show. And your preview entertainment is my shame about how I am letting shame still run my life so much and I AM SO SORRY BRENE BROWN YES I DO KNOW BETTER.

Wait, aren't pearls created out of this kind of shit? Do clams make pearls or only oysters? Are oysters and clams the same? Googling now. Hmm.

Oysters have irregular shells, and clams have smooth shells. While both are commonly served in coastal communities, oysters are typically more sought after.

Maybe I need my shell to be less smooth and untouched. Rough it up some. 

But still, no way to sneak out to the curb with this and dispose of it quietly? Last night Ivy came out of her room with a giant black contractor bag stuffed full after cleaning her room just in time for garbage pick up this morning. I didn't even look to see if she was throwing away anything important. Is the only way out by picking through it piece by piece? That just doesn't seem safe for my mental health. Is that right? Does that mean I have to have my mental health in tip top shape before I can continue? Can I have someone else take this out for me? But what if getting rid of this heavy weight is the only way I can get there? Where is my out?? What am I missing? I'm going to have to feel it all now? But it's just so much.


So where do I put it? Where do I even belong? Is there a place clams like me can go get rid together and it won't be weird? 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Fine Sifting

-
Image
Usually I will google first before writing about something I just thought of to see if someone has already said it like this. But I decided to just type it all out and see what I get. I don't care if it's already been figured out. This is me figuring it out.  I was walking Penny in the dark night of 6:40 PM. Our Friday night routine. I get off work at 5 but then I gotta do dinner, and every other weekend Ivy goes to her dad's at 6 so there's that, like tonight, and we try to cuddle on the couch before she has to leave. Then our dog Penny is next up ready for full attention. Eventually I get to be "off". Here I am.  I decided to designate a spot in the corner of the living room for my writing. I wrote and then backspaced these words: Our house is so tiny. It's fact but not what I mean or want to say right now. It's just that I was considering all my writing spaces of past... and how we've always had both a living room and a family room and an offic...
Read more

Imposter girl with no poster

-
Image
Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here...
Read more

Mountains and trees

-
Image
Sisters, Oregon I was supposed to be in Colorado last week. My parents were going to meet us there. I haven't hugged them since June of 2019. That's almost 18 months. I still kept my time off of work and "vacationed" at home. I mostly cooked and a memory of an old life almost came into view, of how things used to be. I didn't let myself go there for too long, and that's a good thing. Some might see denial, however what they don't know is that on this side of my boundary it looks a lot different, and it guards me. hazelnut farm Luna (I learned she was trans a couple years ago now, and we adjusted -- didn't bat an eye -- this in no way offers anyone an accurate depiction of how easy or difficult it is for her nor does it represent the "beliefs" of some of her blood relatives about which I have a lot to say a lot maybe we will chat about it sometime) is in 9th grade via remote learning for... ages now , since the beginning of the shut down befor...
Read more