Help me I'm lost

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 I'm lost. And I can't find myself anywhere. 


I am a closed up clam, shut so tight that you'd think that's just a rock. But what I have inside- OH MY GOODNESS I've been holding on to so much inside here. But it's all old news and past hurts and things that just aren't in cool to bring up anymore and when I finally one day feel a little safe space to just loosen my grip and release a little out, test the waters, let's see how safe it really is out there for all I've been holding in... it's just too late. And some of it is going to hurt people other than just myself.

(Which is why I keep holding it in, I guess, thinking I can carry it to the end? Not realizing the cavern I've created with a weight heavier than a shipping container full of moldy LuLaRoe leggings and here I've made everyone else go away anyways. They are so far across the divide. Because of me and all my clammed up undealt-with trash.) It's so scary lonely here. 

(So does this mean they will be far enough from the shrapnel when I explode? So you're saying now it's safe?)

There is never a good time because this is all stuff I should have dealt with by now. Welcome to my shame show. And your preview entertainment is my shame about how I am letting shame still run my life so much and I AM SO SORRY BRENE BROWN YES I DO KNOW BETTER.

Wait, aren't pearls created out of this kind of shit? Do clams make pearls or only oysters? Are oysters and clams the same? Googling now. Hmm.

Oysters have irregular shells, and clams have smooth shells. While both are commonly served in coastal communities, oysters are typically more sought after.

Maybe I need my shell to be less smooth and untouched. Rough it up some. 

But still, no way to sneak out to the curb with this and dispose of it quietly? Last night Ivy came out of her room with a giant black contractor bag stuffed full after cleaning her room just in time for garbage pick up this morning. I didn't even look to see if she was throwing away anything important. Is the only way out by picking through it piece by piece? That just doesn't seem safe for my mental health. Is that right? Does that mean I have to have my mental health in tip top shape before I can continue? Can I have someone else take this out for me? But what if getting rid of this heavy weight is the only way I can get there? Where is my out?? What am I missing? I'm going to have to feel it all now? But it's just so much.


So where do I put it? Where do I even belong? Is there a place clams like me can go get rid together and it won't be weird? 

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