Keep in touch

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I am not good at keeping in touch 

It’s like I have no control over this 

I know  the requirement, to take part in the give and take 

and that it is all my taking

I can give, I am able, but it’s limited-ish? 

Is what I’m trying to say. 


And it’s like how I sleep sometimes I’m a turn away-er, I do it in my sleep unaware that I’m turning my back to my love it’s the way I move naturally through this atmosphere

I turn 

I am a rotater

I do not stay still 

And as I turn the lid closes behind me

The lid from me to you 

The draw bridge 

 and I do not turn to face it or try to lift or jump across. I don’t even think about it I don’t see it 

I curl up, curl in 

sleep

It’s how my axis skews

The access to me

to you 


I’ve tried so hard to be the one who initiates the keeping in touch. 

I bought regular stamps and post card stamps and lots of notecards. They are right where I can see them but there is no will from my thought to my brain to putting the pen to paper or for even composing a simple text… 


…


I do try but the signal is weaker than weak and so it’s not likely 

to happen 

Here I go turning over to my side and no longer facing you and it’s not necessarily out of sight out of mind but it’s something like it

This solo need 

To curl into a ball and go inside for a while and sometimes a long while 

And then turning to face the consequences, what is left, when I uncurl when I wake again 

Whenever that might be 

And who I’ve found that is still there is who 

I’ve found to be my kind of people, the people that get me 

Which makes me want to never turn away from them! But I know I will and I do 


But did I let go when I turned? Did I bring you with me? Are you the blanket I wrap myself up in? That gives me comfort, again you give.


There are portions of me that think what I’m feeling now is because I used up all my actively checking in on others when I was not checking in on myself as well and now with age I’ve just run out. But that doesn’t feel like that’s wholly it.


I’m trying to get used to the fact that whatever this is might just be part of my personality- however temporarily longterm or permanent it is. And at a time we could really use each other to lean on, I know this. How to be a lean-to and not a turn away?

I’m thinking of you as I type this. 

Yep you.

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