To say I’ve been on edge

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To say I’ve been on edge

Is not accurate just like I’m not entirely sure where the edges are in the first place  


Or maybe it’s that I know I’m on the edge but I can’t see far enough to know how much room is left before I fall right off? 


And how far down to the bottom anyway? I mean for all I know I’m two inches off the ground. My heart does not know the difference. 


What is that? Losing my grip? Of something I shouldn’t be holding onto anyway?


Today was dragging. Mondays I’m usually more upbeat but today I wasn’t and I just know it was noticeable and I hate that. But as I’ve set my compass toward being real and not faking my life anymore I’m less likely to try to hide when I’m just not feeling it. I need to get used to this “bad” feeling when I stick up for myself and can not wait for it to not feel like this someday, for me to feel like this is more me. To forget I was ever even like that. 


I came right outside when I got home and watered my plants (something *for me* that also meets my need to be needed but is still good for me & also counts as self care in my opinion.) I discovered three tiny baby tomatoes growing on the tomato plants someone left at the office for anyone to take. I also learned that a very territorial blue Jay is scaring away my hummingbirds! I needed to refill the glass feeder and boiled some sugar water, finagled a way to clean the neck out of a stainless steel straw brush, and spent some good time scrubbing. This is what I needed I thought as I stood over the sink. Why does this feel good right now? Maybe this will be the cure for my weird vibe. 


But I know good and well that I need to stop do-ing and sit still for a minute. 

This right here is a start. 

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