And I embrace

I need to be writing down the good days. It’s come to this. I need to keep track of this. Proof. 

Sometimes the clouds part and the mirage fades/the fog burns off and I see a glimpse of things being okay. This weekend I woke up early and didn’t begrudge it, I *embraced* it. I made a giant breakfast of waffles with the new waffle maker I finally got around to buying, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, fresh cut strawberries and blueberries. People ate as they got up from bed throughout the morning/afternoon. I napped. Found soccer cleats for Ivy at Play It Again Sports. She’s starting soccer this week and is all prepared now. Big relief. 

Carter bought a new used car and needed help transporting the vehicles back and forth to Salem so we made a family trip of it and after we dropped him off where he needed to be, James, Luna, & Ivy and I hit up some stores for last minute school prep: Luna’s first Ulta trip (thankful to the gal helping us navigate the store & that she didn’t even bat a very heavy eyelashed eye at our request for black eyeshadow and lipstick.) Felt good to be this example of a mom supporting and not disapproving  or apologizing for my daughter's style choices. Embracing. I even bought myself some lipstick - the perfect shade of the color of my lips, as always. One day I'd like to go bold. For now this makes me happy. 

We found a bookshelf for Ivy’s room for only 35 bucks at Target and that was a huge win. She’s been needing a shelf to help organize her room and this will make a huge difference to feel less cluttered and overwhelmed, we are making all the space to have an even better start to the new school year. 

I bought new towels, dark blue, for Carter. His last night at home is Thursday! When I first moved out of the house at age 18 to go live in Chicago, right before I left, my mom handed me a stack of old bath towels while crying through her goodbye. I hadn’t thought about it until I was in Ross paying for the towels at the register. When I mentioned I was buying for my first kiddo moving out of the house, the sales associate said, “then that means you did your job! Good mom.” We are raising adults, this is the way it goes; being a parent is the hardest thing in the whole damn world and I am actually living through it. 

And in these brief awake times I see that everything moves forward, no matter if I’m in the way or at the controls or not. So no point resisting what is going to happen anyway. So much more freeing when I embrace it. Hold on for your life, cling to the letting go. You enter a whole new dimension where it all makes sense. It will become your favorite thing, this letting go. (You hope.)

How to have more of these awake moments? What am I doing "right" right now that is causing me to see? I'm just going to go with it.

After shopping and just before I started to get hangry we stopped for dinner at an amazing Pho restaurant we had never been to and everyone tried new things and it was beyond healing (the soup, the time together, the moment).

Today I was up early again, and again just went with it. I put together the book shelf like a badass, then mowed the lawn for the very first time in my whole entire life! How was I to expect Ivy and Luna to do it with intention if I didn’t even know how to do it myself? James was so patient to show me ("pretend I’m an alien that was just dropped here and I know absolutely nothing") and he told me exactly what I needed to know including how to hold my hands on the handle to avoid blisters, and like it was no big deal I did the front and back yards. It felt cathartic. 

I did my laundry for the week, so I don’t have to think about what to wear every morning. I heated up the leftover Pho on the stove for lunch and we made pizzas for dinner, then went out for ice cream and drove by Carter’s new place. I told him he can place an order with me anytime for my homemade burritos or chicken noodle soup, or anything he wants, I can do porch drops and you know I’m at the store like every day so anything you need… he asked me to write down the recipes for my chicken noodle soup and chili. He's got this. And this is what moving forward looks and feels like. 

How do you embrace a moving target?

I thought about it 

and decided 

that my heart is uncontainable and it reaches to the end of time for my kids. They are never out of reach and if I let go then they can go even farther; and so all the farther my love gets to go.

And that’s a win for everyone.