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A Fine Sifting

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Usually I will google first before writing about something I just thought of to see if someone has already said it like this. But I decided to just type it all out and see what I get. I don't care if it's already been figured out. This is me figuring it out.  I was walking Penny in the dark night of 6:40 PM. Our Friday night routine. I get off work at 5 but then I gotta do dinner, and every other weekend Ivy goes to her dad's at 6 so there's that, like tonight, and we try to cuddle on the couch before she has to leave. Then our dog Penny is next up ready for full attention. Eventually I get to be "off". Here I am.  I decided to designate a spot in the corner of the living room for my writing. I wrote and then backspaced these words: Our house is so tiny. It's fact but not what I mean or want to say right now. It's just that I was considering all my writing spaces of past... and how we've always had both a living room and a family room and an offic
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Imposter girl with no poster

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Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here I am vot
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Wildfires

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  What is a curse, of yours   that really isn’t a curse?,  I think, awake at 5:06 am and noticing the quiet and that literally my only chance at alone “down” time is right now. The night is still outside and the stars, and the stillness. Every opportunity to get to see what the colors of the sunrise will be is always marvelous.  They are telling us that smoke from the wildfires should be making its way to our skies later today. I can see the haze over the mountains on my drive to work this morning. It's become a regular part of our weather here, a mini season I suppose, fire season. Pretty much the same time for the past few years. I did not handle it well the first couple times. Those were really bad fires with air that smelled burnt and ominous, and the sky was orange, like we lived on another planet now. Do we? I feel like a visitor. Are aliens even from another galaxy at all?  I started to believe it was possible that we'd never see blue or white clouds again, or the bright
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