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in the ray

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Is it okay if I ask you to not look directly into my light right now. Don't get so close that you see too much, get distracted by the little details, a whisker, a dark circle, the unfinished parts of me. May I keep those for myself while I reveal my truth with you? It all comes out eventually, in time. And can it be on my terms.  Is it okay if I ask you to pay attention to where my light is shining? Stay in the glow, feel its warmth, and resist the temptation to look the sun right in the eyes.  Sometimes I wonder if people think about me and think, she never finishes what she starts . Is this what I think about me? Maybe I'm not a fan of things ending. The tidying of loose ends, so boring, so final. The energy that will take. Maybe I'm still learning how. Maybe she never finishes what she starts because it's not ready to be done yet. Maybe she's a late bloomer. Maybe she hasn't even begun.  The house smells like ham. Like a holiday but no one is dressed up and n...
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2022 was the year I thought Peeps tasted good. In a moment of feeling inadequate about my paltry Easter morning offering for the kids, I picked up a package of yellow bunnies. And I think I am the only one who had any. Since having Covid a few months ago my taste and smell are still kind of weird. So I don't know if they are supposed to taste like anything other than sugar dust and softness?  I was messaging with Heather   —  friend and co-host of a new podcast (with me)  —  about how I’ve been super stressed over a couple of my kids… I get off work and then clock in to try to cheer them up or at least make them feel supported. This morning I asked myself, what are you going to do for yourself today, this week? Someday? I can’t think of anything other than wishing I could run away somewhere.  But with them, with my people. Always. Just, maybe a moment in time that I’m not needed for a little while because everything is all right.  We never stop. And w...
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I forgot to do the wordle yesterday

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Ivy and I were cuddled on the couch watching Station 11 and one of the characters said “in mourning” and ivy goes “oh!” She looked up at me and asked “did you do the wordle today?” I was surprised I had to think about about it, and realized oh, I didn’t. That’s never happened before. “Why,     was the word ‘mourn’?” I ask.   Yeah, she said.  I have never missed a wordle since I    learned of it. I remember when it was in the early stage of being widely known and I discovered you could go back and play all the past wordles. I tried to do them all, in one long gluttonous sitting, it was a zone out obsession. It put my hand on my heart, it was a scratches the itch situation, and I leaned all the way in.  If I woke up panicked in the night - because life circumstances because because I’m a 45 year old woman, and a mother with children who are sad, because the state of this world right now I would remember there    was a new wordle waiting for me ...
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