crowning

Just recently I completely forgot the gender my kid was assigned at birth. 

In case you're curious where I'm at regarding having a transgender child. 

Her name at birth was "gender neutral" anyway and I had to really think about it, because girl and boy don't really trigger anything anymore.

What even is gender? 

This third baby— the one who received the most comments on how she "would have made a beautiful girl"... and aww "you're in that Club now with three boys"... those kinds of things. Things people couldn't have known, and wouldn't have the tools to understand— received her first puberty blocker injection two weeks ago. 

Life in general only got better for our family and of course especially Luna when she came out as trans. I had a happier and livelier kid! Many many many unsolved mysteries were finally answered, or at least made a lot more sense. And um, yeah- I had no clue. Me, attachment parenting empathic listener holistically connected mother person who did not know my kid was trans. I didn't see it coming until it was there and then it was like OH HI I DO KNOW YOU.

Things we had to change: pronouns, name, that's about it. There were more therapy and dr appointments than before but everything is Zoom appointments these days which has made it so much easier. Oh yeah, and there was the sperm banking but that was the quickest appointment yet! 

Am I making light of it? Yes. But also no. 

Did my love for Luna change? Of course! Yes- I love her even more and with a new & improved armor of ferocious motherbear protection. It's not a more/quantity love, it's a depth, a new texture. Fibers and layers and skin kind of love. 

Do I feel guilty for mosey-ing right along with society's categorization and celebration of gender performance? Yes. But I didn't let it bench me. I am learning and doing better for next time constantly. A lot of the learning looks like just having a better response and attitude for when you mess up next time, and I am hoping a period of not-messing-up-anymore is coming soon but evidence of that is yet to be seen.

Do I feel absolutely inadequate discussing the subject of gender and our experience omg 100%.

Do I feel scared about it? A million times yes. 

...

An actual blood relative family member told us they "can not" accept Luna's transition or use her name or pronouns. 

People who say they once loved her can't be moved to protect her

brutalities and fatalities that affect transgender women- especially transgender women of color... and then consider the violence that goes unreported...

THIS IS WHAT SHAKES ME AND KEEPS ME AWAKE DAY AND NIGHT. 

The way to stop the violence is... right here in you. You stop it with your opinions and judging and clucking and bible-ing and whatever you thought you knew before. You stop it with your example and how you set it. You stop it by caring about and paying attention to laws and policies that protect humans instead of policies and beliefs excluding them, denying them, erasing them, and leaving them vulnerable and unprotected. 

And then you gotta keep going by continuing to care: about what you hear around you by the words of others and in print what you read and this might mean you have to change up the company you keep- if your pod doesn't wake up to this, too. And where you spend your money and what you watch and who you think is funny and yeah, is it uncomfortable yet? Get used to it and keep going. 

You stop it by not tip toeing anymore. STOMP the ground and step on some of those toes and no longer let stuff slide. You stop it by calling it out and keeping accountability. Hall monitors, assemble! 

Know what scares me most? A not-alive Luna. Affirming trans youth is legit suicide prevention. You can SAVE LIVES! She wants to be alive now that she can be herself, and so comes the keeping her alive part.

I do not know how to end this post. It will forever be unfinished because I could never run out of words and they still probably wouldn't even truly express what I'm trying to say. 

I have advantages. So many. I have close friends and family who have supported Luna from the very beginning without batting their eyes. The very first people to stand beside Luna were her teachers and school administrators. Her doctors & therapists have all been stellar. She has access to good enough insurance. We stay safe by maintaining a mentally-healthy environment as much as possible. I know this is not the case for so many and I will stay alert and active to ensure that every kid is supported and affirmed. If I can get even one family out there prepared to greet their kiddo with open arms before they come out or as they come out or years after but now they're ready and want to do the right thing... every little bit makes this world safer and that makes it safer for my kid. Your kid? Someone you know? 

It's already in you- you are completely equipped to open those arms and be an ally. It's like you have to actively keep yourself closed off. That's no way to live. Come on now. Loosen those shoulders and 

open up

feel exposed and feel the discomfort

and then

feel the love and warmth and life it can bring.