writing is some free therapy

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I am hungry, but nothing sounds good

I buy all my favorite things I used to binge and now 

they go stale and

I throw them away


We went hiking yesterday and it felt like we were be being bad going outside and we left the first place because it had too many cars. We found an empty trail somewhere else to walk around, but it's not the same. Everything just feels out of focus to my skin. 


I break things like cycles.

I broke the cycle of staying in an unhappy marriage. I grew up watching unhappy wives all around me and one day decided that it didn't have to be that way. It is not impressive to me to make it to a silver anniversary. There's a lot more to just putting your time in and I hope it's a happy one. If it isn't get out now as soon as you can.

I broke the cycle of going to church. What a horrific and unforgivable loss of my life spent going to church for constant brainwashing and feeling guilty for not going enough- the times we only made it to two services instead of three- or any at all after we moved and I knew the right direction for our life was not going to come out of any church. So I turned it around- no longer feeling guilty about how my family must think, how disappointed they must feel. NO. I got out. I feel proud of this SO PROUD and hope they will see me as I continue to rise up - as I refuse to do the same thing to my own children. I broke the cycle so they don't have to. 

I'm not broke. I'm the breaker. 

Take 2. I picked up the kids this morning, was not on time due to a completely ice-covered car and being stopped by a train, was not showered, actually was up in the middle of the night but fell back to sleep and thankfully the alarm on the phone in my sweater pocket woke me in time. 

I have to drive east to get them and my way is lit by the most magnificent PNW sun rises. I think when he set up the part of his parenting plan with the older kids - how they are no longer invited to come every other weekend or stay for overnights anymore since turning 18, which means transportation to and fro by Carter will no longer be happening, so I have to arrange transportation for Ivy & Luna when their weekend is over... I think this might have been one way for him to dig at me, to try to make my life more inconvenienced. But I rather do enjoy these drives. They reunite me with my babies. 




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