writing to be free

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Today I messed up thinking I was supposed to pick up Ivy & Luna from their dad's at 8am as usual but because it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day they don't have school and I missed the part in the parenting plan where that meant they stay with him until Tuesday morning. 

Honestly, I really did think that was how it was- for them to stay the 3 day weekend, but second guessed myself and scanned the "holidays" column on the parenting plan I pulled up in my email by searching my lawyer's assistant's name because I haven't saved it anywhere else yet. I didn't see MLK day on the plan but on my fourth read-through this morning, after reading their dad's accusatory to me email, and then texting to confirm, I see where it's hidden in a paragraph somewhere else.

It's just that I try so hard, but I still keep fucking up. And this might seem a small thing- but the fact that he had to bring it to my attention it feels like he has the power again. Still? 

I am unsure if I have the capacity to get everything almost right. I think I've been set up to fail. 

He caught me yet again not being better than him. He caught me. 

I showered and put on makeup, early. It made me feel better. I spent time on my eyeshadows. Does this mean I'm still far from achieving female enlightenment? 

I wanted the kids to see me put together. I owned up to my mistake about the pick up dates and sent my love in texts to them. Very un-put together, but then why does that feel like I just shared the real me with them, the me I want them to really know and see? Their mom is a mess and that's what makes her. 

The mess is me.


And that couldn't exist before, with him. 

And that is why I and my mess is unable to function around him, resisting ever going back to that life. 

It makes sense. 

I think I forget - I know I block it out - that I am free now, if I think about being free it makes me acknowledge that I once was not. The times I neglected the mess, hid myself and here I am doing it all over again. Forgetting again! That this is the nature of the mess. 



Comments

  1. Cheryl Pollock StoberJanuary 19, 2021 at 5:02 AM

    Oh, honey. I wish I could tell you it was easier from here, on the non-mess side, but it's not. He can come into my (our) house at any time still, and criticize the donuts on the counter (my comfort food) or the bills I've yet to file away. I'm the one holding everything together (the only one with a job, the one the kids spend most of their time with) and yet one remark cuts me down completely.

    I'm still new to this. I don't know when it gets better. But eyeshadow is good. Holding you in my heart.

    ReplyDelete

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