So many things to say

 I’ve had so many things to say this past week but no time, no energy at least. But I promised myself I’d remember. I made a list of things to remember to say. 

My worry wrinkle to the right of my left eyebrow, between my eyes, a lined indention that appears after a hard time episode came back this week. Physical reminders deserve my attention. 

There’s a list of things but it’s just too much and I could write them all out but what good would that really do. It’s a lot. We all have a lot. 

Oh, I did want to remind myself to think more about how I’ve joked about being fearless, like at work, how I’ll go in the dark empty house and check out the sound in the basement, alone. Just last week I had to meet a client - a single man, meeting him for the first time, at his house, no idea what I was walking into — when I approached the house I could hear loud music... Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s get it on...” I thought, what? For real? He was expecting me. He opened the door with the stereo remote in his hand. I went inside. It was fine. But I want to know why I am not scared. And how can I stop doing this, and what other really bad positions am I putting myself in because I think I’m brave or strong enough/because I think this what someone brave and strong would do?

I learn every day something new I’m wrong about, and usually it has something to with what I think about myself. Or my past, or my trauma responses and how suddenly I have grown to have so much admiration for when I freeze, become submissive and fawn, or take flight, — those are just as POWERFUL as fighting. They are not personality flaws. They actually are ways I *am* fighting —— to stay alive.