when the fog is clearing

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 It is a familiar rush, this new buzz I feel when I am compelled to write first thing in the morning. It is literally my "ON" switch, the gas. Then I have accomplished something already at the very beginning of my day and also, I've opened the gates to get everything flowing. Why this is how it opens up for me I do not know but it seems like something so small and effortless and how did I let myself get so far away from it?

I'm remembering that I get a lot more answers by parallel play, especially with my kids. Interrogations (or anything involving eye contact) — no matter if it is just me asking if they need anything at all and if they know how much I love them — are not effective. Hanging out side by side, finding a movie we all want to see, driving in the car somewhere, walking together in a store, moving about our galaxy as we all orbit the kitchen. This is when they will mention they've been wanting to try this, or they ran out of this thing two weeks ago and just haven't told me and then so on and usually deeper as it goes but sometimes not and that is okay. 

Last night Ivy and I hit up 7-11 for Slurpees and snacks for a snuggle fest with Penny on the couch. We watched Eighth Grade- a movie that I had definitely avoided when it came out because I didn't feel ready to see it yet and recently realized it might be the perfect thing to watch with Ivy now. I wasn't wrong. Then we put on Never Been Kissed because she hasn't seen it yet and I have to show her all of the high school movies ever made (Heathers is still her all time favorite ((movie AND musical)) because she is my clone.) 

Her commentary during Never Been Kissed was everything I was expecting and basically made me feel a little more like she's going to be super okay. "This is illegal." "Gross that's predatory." "Why can't we have story lines where the main character is asexual?" Or maybe just not into being a relationship? (My suggestion.) How I wish time would turn back for me to have the knowledge that such a thing would have existed. You can do stuff alone, you can be alone get strong in it while you can those rules you think you must follow aren't even rules and you do not have to follow them!!!! you can be happy without a partner to define you and it is good for you! 

I recently heard this quote by Zora Neale Hurston, "There are years that ask questions, and years that answer them." Considering that gives me comfort. I feel like I've lost time with my kids when we have never ever (and I mean ever) been apart. And again, the fog clears to remind me that time is not linear. It's all around us and there is so much of it right now to make good things with while we discover the answers to life's never ending questions.

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