my body

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When I cut out sugar and am super mindful about what I eat and drink 

it makes my body feel better and it really does make it feel lighter and I feel a little high in that lightness

and I love how it feels and I like the ways inflammation subsides in my body

and that high feeling

feels a lot like 

reminds me of

when I was young and learned an upside down way that really harmed me

and I can feel panicked

like that is happening again

even though it isn't 

but the fear of it always being there 

coming back and then me even wishing it would come back sometimes so I could be thin again even if for a little bit 

even though when I was smaller I didn't take note

or even really enjoy it

when I'm smaller I'm still  not enough 

enough small or whatever

and I brace myself for when the comments come

about looking better 

because I probably am looking better sometimes

but when I hear it, it brings me back to there

and it makes me uncomfortable in a way that my boundaries start to ring

and I want to take there away from here

I want to have this healthy care and after effects 

and feel right in my head too

How did I fall for wanting to be small enough

How do I make it up to me?


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