I am (the) well

-

I don’t have to reach for everything. 

some things will be out of your reach, no matter how much you think you want it, and that's not a bad thing. 

Either you’re just not there yet 

or you’re just not there 


Tight and balled up

while being pulled in a thousand directions

Everything is 

Far away and at the same time crushing me 


I see the memes. I see the shares, posts, it’s in the language now, we are wellness mental health aware all knowing. 

I tell my kids, I comment to everyone (in my head)

“Quit returning to the well that is dry

quit returning to any well that is not you”

And keep your own well filled.

How are you doing? So that you can say to it I am well. I am the well. My well is full. 


In moments like now in the morning before I want to be up 

I’m thankful for this quiet. It drowns out everything that needs to get done, and prepares a place - a space 

I should list what I’m thankful for, I backspace over the *should and scroll up to see where else I’ve said it, then I put it back. And I’m so annoyed that we aren’t allowed to say should anymore, that it’s a sign of weakness and an indicator of what level in life I’m in, “I’m hearing a lot of shoulds” - is it really a marker of where I’m at with my healing 

oh my god can we just get a break? 

I dream all night about work or the play, I’m very in the moment. But how to be in the moment when you’re surrounded by reminders of your past. How to be in the moment while you’re actually cleaning up the messes of before. What if I want to carry some of it with me? I need to keep moving forward. Believe me there are lots of stops to rest along the way. 


When you get your pillow just right, 

that is something I’m so thankful for. My arms and legs in a position that doesn’t make me question where to put them when I sleep, with the right amount of blanket on top. Silence except for sleeping sounds- to hear James asleep next to me, Penny dreaming at our feet, the hum-roar of the box fan, the heat kicking on, the dehumidifier running. 

Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. 

I’m proud of myself. I keep remembering, like literally I forgot and then feel a rush inside at the revelation that I *should be proud, that I *am making choices that are moving me forward, that I am doing things that are true to me, for me. 

I am so inside my head and that’s okay 

I’m in there but

I’m not in hiding

anymore

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Fine Sifting

-
Image
Usually I will google first before writing about something I just thought of to see if someone has already said it like this. But I decided to just type it all out and see what I get. I don't care if it's already been figured out. This is me figuring it out.  I was walking Penny in the dark night of 6:40 PM. Our Friday night routine. I get off work at 5 but then I gotta do dinner, and every other weekend Ivy goes to her dad's at 6 so there's that, like tonight, and we try to cuddle on the couch before she has to leave. Then our dog Penny is next up ready for full attention. Eventually I get to be "off". Here I am.  I decided to designate a spot in the corner of the living room for my writing. I wrote and then backspaced these words: Our house is so tiny. It's fact but not what I mean or want to say right now. It's just that I was considering all my writing spaces of past... and how we've always had both a living room and a family room and an offic...
Read more

Imposter girl with no poster

-
Image
Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here...
Read more

Mountains and trees

-
Image
Sisters, Oregon I was supposed to be in Colorado last week. My parents were going to meet us there. I haven't hugged them since June of 2019. That's almost 18 months. I still kept my time off of work and "vacationed" at home. I mostly cooked and a memory of an old life almost came into view, of how things used to be. I didn't let myself go there for too long, and that's a good thing. Some might see denial, however what they don't know is that on this side of my boundary it looks a lot different, and it guards me. hazelnut farm Luna (I learned she was trans a couple years ago now, and we adjusted -- didn't bat an eye -- this in no way offers anyone an accurate depiction of how easy or difficult it is for her nor does it represent the "beliefs" of some of her blood relatives about which I have a lot to say a lot maybe we will chat about it sometime) is in 9th grade via remote learning for... ages now , since the beginning of the shut down befor...
Read more