You got this. You already got this.

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I could be sleeping right now. No kids to take to school this morning. But I’m awake and want to be sleeping. If my mind is up, I have to get my body up. Glass of water. Light a candle. Find my headphones, refill my water. You got this.

Little flashes of last night’s tech rehearsal. I can do this or that better. And I remember / I already got the part. Second guessing. It’s already been answered. I got this. And will get it again. 

I’m starting to resent these god awful early wake ups a little less, as I come to realize that this time is where I locate myself, and get clear communication. I require the quiet moments. Yesterday was scrambly and muddled. I didn’t have room to think. 

I get so hard on myself and the punishment is not allowing myself to feel anything bad OR anything good. So it all feels wrong. It doesn’t feel at all. This is no way to live. Or grow. 

It’s my survival response I tell myself a lot of times, it’s what I do. It’s an unfortunate way of life but it’s not a part of me.  Things happen to us but they don’t have to become us. We react and then we go on to react to the next thing. I get stuck and then for some reason give in and make myself at home there and just figure my reaction is just who I am now. No wonder I’ve felt like such a chameleon all my life.

 I can tread water longer than most, but then to prove it I’ll miss out on swimming around and exploring the under water discoveries while I’m lost or stuck wherever it is I am stuck at the moment, if I’d let myself feel the low, the scary, I could see so much more. Maybe I’m the best at treading water because I already know I’m not going to drown. I got this. 


And I need to keep writing this down as I get through it, no matter how mundane, this is 

the instructions 

For next time 

Because patterns. 

We’re going to make the best of this. 

Comments

  1. JanelleDecember 3, 2021 at 12:12 PM

    I've always loved your way with words and stories.

    Nell

    ReplyDelete

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