I forgot to do the wordle yesterday

-

Ivy and I were cuddled on the couch watching Station 11 and one of the characters said “in mourning” and ivy goes “oh!” She looked up at me and asked “did you do the wordle today?” I was surprised I had to think about about it, and realized oh, I didn’t. That’s never happened before. “Why,  was the word ‘mourn’?” I ask. 

Yeah, she said. 


I have never missed a wordle since I  learned of it. I remember when it was in the early stage of being widely known and I discovered you could go back and play all the past wordles. I tried to do them all, in one long gluttonous sitting, it was a zone out obsession. It put my hand on my heart, it was a scratches the itch situation, and I leaned all the way in. 


If I woke up panicked in the night - because life circumstances because because I’m a 45 year old woman, and a mother with children who are sad, because the state of this world right now I would remember there  was a new wordle waiting for me after midnight, and then I added on Nerdle and sometimes quordle. Something to look forward to every day. 


I imagine a lot peoples diary entries from this time will say the exact same thing I’ve written, or in some form or the other. When people look back some day, if there are still people someday. What we turned to. What we went over the ledge for. What life line we grabbed on to. And our search to find and understand those who are able to function otherwise. One day finding we're not relying on the thing that kept us alive, no longer treading water and before you know it we make it to the shore. I don't know when I swam and when it was a big wave carrying me and when I was maybe just left for dead and eventually washed up. But I always make it to land.  


 I don’t know why I’m the way I am, needing to lay flat soothed by the cold of rock bottom in order to feel anything at all and remind me to live and get up, and get going again. 


What we have is inside us. And if we don’t let it out and be alive with us it will be squeezed from us. This is what is coming out.



Portions of this post shared on the Writing Threads podcast Episode 1. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Fine Sifting

-
Image
Usually I will google first before writing about something I just thought of to see if someone has already said it like this. But I decided to just type it all out and see what I get. I don't care if it's already been figured out. This is me figuring it out.  I was walking Penny in the dark night of 6:40 PM. Our Friday night routine. I get off work at 5 but then I gotta do dinner, and every other weekend Ivy goes to her dad's at 6 so there's that, like tonight, and we try to cuddle on the couch before she has to leave. Then our dog Penny is next up ready for full attention. Eventually I get to be "off". Here I am.  I decided to designate a spot in the corner of the living room for my writing. I wrote and then backspaced these words: Our house is so tiny. It's fact but not what I mean or want to say right now. It's just that I was considering all my writing spaces of past... and how we've always had both a living room and a family room and an offic...
Read more

Imposter girl with no poster

-
Image
Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here...
Read more

Mountains and trees

-
Image
Sisters, Oregon I was supposed to be in Colorado last week. My parents were going to meet us there. I haven't hugged them since June of 2019. That's almost 18 months. I still kept my time off of work and "vacationed" at home. I mostly cooked and a memory of an old life almost came into view, of how things used to be. I didn't let myself go there for too long, and that's a good thing. Some might see denial, however what they don't know is that on this side of my boundary it looks a lot different, and it guards me. hazelnut farm Luna (I learned she was trans a couple years ago now, and we adjusted -- didn't bat an eye -- this in no way offers anyone an accurate depiction of how easy or difficult it is for her nor does it represent the "beliefs" of some of her blood relatives about which I have a lot to say a lot maybe we will chat about it sometime) is in 9th grade via remote learning for... ages now , since the beginning of the shut down befor...
Read more