No more events today

 I pull into my driveway after work and think “please let there be no more crisis tonight." 

"Please dryer don’t quit on me, please pipes don’t clog, please no one have any emergency or a toothache or feel any negative emotions at all- oh wait. 

Please help me be able to handle whatever comes my way."

I always feel inadequate. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt "enough" but I have felt like I might be "too much." 

I think that's what unfulfilled means? And when I think about the times when I felt the magic of that just right fullness, the few best moments ever in my life -most are memories from too long ago  & most of them involve being on stage or reading a cast announcement.

Why do I think all the good that will happen to me has already happened? What about what’s to come? Why don't I make room for opportunities that I know will make me happy? 

I wake at 5:30am and go for a run. It’s dark out and I still go. As soon as I get back I go to the grocery store and shop for dinner tonight - chicken wraps,  I even get ice cream for dessert. I get back in time to get ready for work, boil some eggs, and take Luna to school. Then I am back at the office until I take Ivy to school an hour later. 

I choose to take them every morning because a) bus driver shortage causes all sorts of problems b) I get to be there for them in the morning and time alone together in the car on the way and we have good talks and check ins and c) I can make sure they are actually in school. This was like, one of the only special requests I made when accepting my new job, that I could work around school drop offs. 

I hurry straight back to work until 5. I get home and make dinner. Watch a show with Ivy. Put together a new dresser for her I got on Amazon to help her organize her room. I’m surprisingly not frustrated by the instructions and pretty chill about the whole process. She empties the dishwasher and I load it. She goes off to fill her new drawers. I sweep and windex the bathroom. Pour a glass of water. Lie down in bed and type out these words on my phone. And still I feel like I didn’t get enough done, not even close, could totally be doing more, working harder, hustling more, being a better mom, definitely a better friend. It’s a Tuesday. 

How do I rewire whatever it is that makes me be so hard on myself? 

Thursday I signed up for an audition in May for Elf the Musical. After work I pull into my driveway and walk in the door. Everyone was off school or work today but me, and they were all hanging out together.  Crumbs loitered in the bottom off the popcorn bowl on the table. They’d just binged a bunch of the Mandalorian on the couch all tight together, my partner James- not their father or step father but their good good friend, Carter, Noah, Luna, and Ivy. 

I am not sure if I was more in love with James for probably orchestrating this event and making them his famous popcorn or the fact that they didn’t make me watch Star Wars with them. It was heaven. 

I’m so thankful we get up days . When will I settle into the lows knowing there areaalways the get up days...