be like water

-

I have my first work function tomorrow since I started working at my new job and I feel like I've already psyched myself up for it and it's nice to get that out of the way. Because for once when I say that I'm going to be myself and that's enough I'm not just saying it like I'm just resigned to finally giving in to it because we're supposed to. I actually do believe I'm enough. At this moment... that I am typing this and god I hope I don't lose it. 

How do I keep it. By doing this- writing what comes out. Words cast a wide net so you have time, you have time, see how it allows you the time to take care of what's on fire. So take care of it. 


Yesterday was a full on mom mode day which is every day really, but like, from 6:15am start I was somehow able to be there for them and make it work. Lots of driving and keeping all the things top of mind. 

Finally get home from picking the last kid up and am literally about to have a chance to eat a bite of dinner and Noah lost a screw from his glasses. That's a Big Deal to him and I had to go into that gear where everything is okay, no big deal, we got this, I can fix it, the night is not ruined. And it took me a beat to downshift but we made it and after crawling around on all fours with the dog trying to help us (not helping, Penny but we love you yes we do) and not freaking out at the amount of crumbs on his floor, gently, "hey, babe, after we fix your glasses you should probably run the vacuum under here." 

And we couldn't find the screw so I need to go back out and see if I can find a glasses repair kit from Rite Aid. I decide to just go now so that I can be home once and for all and finally be able to stop, or at least catch my breath. 

I'd been putting off going there and needed to get some things on my list anyway. Once I was in there I grabbed a little cart and took my time. I found everything I needed. I remembered to get the kind of gum Ivy likes and I didn't forget the glasses repair kit. I picked up Luna's estrogen patches and tried to joke with the pharmacist when she said the dose increase may cause side effects of moodiness and breast tenderness and I was like "so basically what we're aiming for, right?" with a big smile and I think it fell somewhere with her but not sure where. And I wondered how many other parents are out there like me picking up their kid's prescriptions for hormone replacement; how many aren't allowed to? And I wonder how many get to do it so joyfully. I hope others see us and feel a good for them feeling. I hope others see our kids and feel love.


(The glasses repair kit didn't help us but Noah successfully navigated his way to the eye doctor via the city bus before he went into work this morning & everything is all fixed.)

I understand that my reactions mold my children into how they will respond tomorrow and the next day... and we keep making that chain stronger. If I can show them how to be the water, they won't ever have to get stranded treading, or be so overcome by life's waves. But I get stranded in the role of lifeguard and do you know how scary it is to try to keep an adult child alive? I feel like no one really talks about that. 

Back to the water we go. 




Comments

  1. BrittanyApril 20, 2022 at 3:53 AM

    It’s absolutely true that people don’t talk enough about keeping adult children alive.

    You’re doing so good. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Fine Sifting

-
Image
Usually I will google first before writing about something I just thought of to see if someone has already said it like this. But I decided to just type it all out and see what I get. I don't care if it's already been figured out. This is me figuring it out.  I was walking Penny in the dark night of 6:40 PM. Our Friday night routine. I get off work at 5 but then I gotta do dinner, and every other weekend Ivy goes to her dad's at 6 so there's that, like tonight, and we try to cuddle on the couch before she has to leave. Then our dog Penny is next up ready for full attention. Eventually I get to be "off". Here I am.  I decided to designate a spot in the corner of the living room for my writing. I wrote and then backspaced these words: Our house is so tiny. It's fact but not what I mean or want to say right now. It's just that I was considering all my writing spaces of past... and how we've always had both a living room and a family room and an offic
Read more

Imposter girl with no poster

-
Image
Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here I am vot
Read more

Wildfires

-
Image
  What is a curse, of yours   that really isn’t a curse?,  I think, awake at 5:06 am and noticing the quiet and that literally my only chance at alone “down” time is right now. The night is still outside and the stars, and the stillness. Every opportunity to get to see what the colors of the sunrise will be is always marvelous.  They are telling us that smoke from the wildfires should be making its way to our skies later today. I can see the haze over the mountains on my drive to work this morning. It's become a regular part of our weather here, a mini season I suppose, fire season. Pretty much the same time for the past few years. I did not handle it well the first couple times. Those were really bad fires with air that smelled burnt and ominous, and the sky was orange, like we lived on another planet now. Do we? I feel like a visitor. Are aliens even from another galaxy at all?  I started to believe it was possible that we'd never see blue or white clouds again, or the bright
Read more