in the ray

Is it okay if I ask you to not look directly into my light right now. Don't get so close that you see too much, get distracted by the little details, a whisker, a dark circle, the unfinished parts of me. May I keep those for myself while I reveal my truth with you? It all comes out eventually, in time. And can it be on my terms. 

Is it okay if I ask you to pay attention to where my light is shining? Stay in the glow, feel its warmth, and resist the temptation to look the sun right in the eyes. 

Sometimes I wonder if people think about me and think, she never finishes what she starts. Is this what I think about me? Maybe I'm not a fan of things ending. The tidying of loose ends, so boring, so final. The energy that will take. Maybe I'm still learning how. Maybe she never finishes what she starts because it's not ready to be done yet. Maybe she's a late bloomer. Maybe she hasn't even begun. 

The house smells like ham. Like a holiday but no one is dressed up and no one is coming over. I put a ham in the crockpot earlier and am going to start on the mashed potatoes in a few. It's the one normal thing I'll do all weekend, a nice Sunday dinner. 

I've wanted to write, but it's just in little bursts in my notes on my phone, or messages to friends. I open my laptop and feel sleepy. The words won't come. Or there are just too many. I tend to hoard my thoughts, afraid to quiet my mind, fearing that if I do finally escape or get lost in something, I'll lose THE thought, what if it's the one I've been waiting for and I need to write it down? What if it's The Answer?

But my mind can not be left on all of the time, it needs rest to keep going. And I'm going to believe that the thought will come back to me again and I will be okay with however long it takes, because if it's  meant for me it will find me again and again.