VerySo

When I cut out sugar and am super mindful about what I eat and drink  it makes my body feel better and it really does make it feel lighter and I feel a little high in that lightness and I love how it feels and I like the ways inflammation subsides in my body and that high feeling feels a lot like  reminds me of when I was young and learned an upside down way that really harmed me and I can feel panicked like that is happening again even though it isn't  but the fear of it always being there  coming back and then me even wishing it would come back sometimes so I could be thin again even if for a little bit  even though when I was smaller I didn't take note or even really enjoy it when I'm smaller I'm still  not enough  enough small or whatever and I brace myself for when the comments come about looking better  because I probably am looking better sometimes but when I hear it, it brings me back to there and it makes me uncomfortable in a way that my...

I am going to start. Plotting my coordinates. How much I've been asking of myself to keep a mental record of it all.  I need to be writing it all down.  In the car on my way back to work after a lunch break at home, breathing deep hoping the radio delivers and it does with Pannonica by Thelonious Monk And I'm rescued. I'm back. We have supports! Use your supports. Music. Scents. Air. Stretching. Water. Stones. (sometimes for me that also includes nuzzling my people, podcasts, coffee, messenger, shopping for books, playing gardenscapes on my phone, writing bits in my notes app, cannabis, instagram stories) Maybe I filled a hole, a wound, and it was deeper than passersby could see so it looked like it took extraordinarily long but I was just working away in there as best I could until I was high enough to  climb out.  Maybe I am going to find the best of what's right now and exploit the shit out of it.  I have summer goals, yes I do. I am going to write and I'm ...