VerySo

  I pull into my driveway after work and think “please let there be no more crisis tonight."  "Please dryer don’t quit on me, please pipes don’t clog, please no one have any emergency or a toothache or feel any negative emotions at all- oh wait.  Please help me be able to handle whatever comes my way." I always feel inadequate. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt "enough" but I have felt like I might be "too much."  I think that's what unfulfilled means? And when I think about the times when I felt the magic of that just right fullness,  the few best moments ever in my life -most are memories from too long ago  & most of them involve  being on stage or reading a cast announcement. Why do I think all the good that will happen to me has already happened? What about what’s to come? Why don't I make room for opportunities that I know will make me happy?  I wake at 5:30am and go for a run. It’s dark out and I still go. As soon as I get back I go ...

Ivy and I were cuddled on the couch watching Station 11 and one of the characters said “in mourning” and ivy goes “oh!” She looked up at me and asked “did you do the wordle today?” I was surprised I had to think about about it, and realized oh, I didn’t. That’s never happened before. “Why,     was the word ‘mourn’?” I ask.   Yeah, she said.  I have never missed a wordle since I    learned of it. I remember when it was in the early stage of being widely known and I discovered you could go back and play all the past wordles. I tried to do them all, in one long gluttonous sitting, it was a zone out obsession. It put my hand on my heart, it was a scratches the itch situation, and I leaned all the way in.  If I woke up panicked in the night - because life circumstances because because I’m a 45 year old woman, and a mother with children who are sad, because the state of this world right now I would remember there    was a new wordle waiting for me ...