VerySo

Yesterday, Memorial Day, I was sorting through some boxes in the garage, trying to make room at some point for the little VW bug Carter recently brought home to work on. I was hoping to have gone through all of this by now, but 5 years is how long it’s taken me to face some of these bins. Feels like a milestone, 5 years of healing. A stray dog came and found me standing there with the garage door open, and I spent the next 30 minutes corralling her away from our busy road and reuniting her with very worried owners. Her name is Riley and she was a a rescue, too. My goal is to go through at least one box a day. The emotional energy it takes definitely surprised me. Also, why oh why do we hang on to so much stuff? See previous sentence. Most of it’s trash now sadly, embarrassingly. But then I come across something boxed willy nilly among items I was about to toss… the first dress I bought for Ivy from Butterfly Kisses when I was pregnant with her. Kid notes in bright marker on lined paper...

I just brought the soup to a boil and now have time to simmer while it simmers. So far we’ve scootched the couch up closer to the tv for Mario Kart & a 90’s Spotify playlist, or to catch up on Jeopardy or old SNL or I’ve been listening to Molly Shannon’s memoir on Audible while I play a game on my phone, legs stretched out on the couch with my poochie by my side. Being able to feel the pause when you’re actually really paused is a special kind of ecstasy. It’s an announcement that you’re in the moment without taking yourself out of the moment. You can stay right where you are, no worries of slipping, you’re safe and ready for this moment because you’re stronger now, see? Everything feels easy right now because I planned ahead so that I could make it feel easy. But the fact that I had the energy to plan anything at all — is huge. Is yay. Is a quest to how can I keep this momentum going? The windows and doors are opening up and good weather is outside, too? The windows and doors open...

I don’t usually shower after work, my job is mostly at my desk, but when I got home I was desperate to scrub this entire week off of me.  What a week to start blogging daily again. But it shouldn’t be a surprise because blogging has saved me before, and I’m all about grabbing at any and all life saving equipment within reach.  I stocked up on groceries for the next several days and every where you go people want to know if you’ve got any plans this weekend? And I look at them and try to send a message with my eyes that I’m about to burst into tears prolly best to not talk to me at all but my mouth says “Soup. I’m making a big pot of soup because it’s going to be rainy.”  I’m making soup because it’ll last and because you eat more slowly when you’re having soup. And we need all the help we can get when it comes to slowing down how fast we eat. We’re going to watch the new Stranger Things and have a hot pretzel bites party with popcorn and candy. By the grace that can be fo...

The Covid Times I can’t smell at all sometimes, like zero. And then all at once I smell everything intensely all at once.  I can’t feel at all sometimes, like zero. And then all at once I feel everything intensely all at once.  Tonight Ivy had a hair appointment and James and I ate at the bar of a restaurant around the corner until she was finished. I checked the clock on my phone a lot, feeling pressed for time for some reason, rushed when time wasn’t going anywhere for a good bit. I have to remind myself often of this. Slower strides, bites, slower sits, breaths, slower down.

I have to feed myself despite having a stomach full of rocks  right now  I stand over the stove weary, then b rightened, when I remember how I love a good sear on the skin of a pepper   What else do I love? Soft things. Easy stuff.  Yesterday somewhere I read that a fossil is just a stone’s memory of the bones. If I’d known it would take this long I am not sure I would have been so serious about growing up  And how official it feels, back then  And how many times you’ll change your mind  I backspaced all the way out of an instant message I was going to send to James the other day: “Hacks starts up again this Thursday, didn’t want to forget” So I x’ed back out of it  Because it feels pathetic  It feels sad  It feels like I should have more interesting things to message my partner about  Especially in these days I don’t shame but I’m ashamed of how much screen time … But like there’s so many good shows  And some of them I’ve...

I ask my daughter what generational curses does she imagine she will need to break someday and let’s break them now  Mom why are you distant? Mommy’s grieving at the thought of losing you like that.  She asks, why would an 18 year old kid want to kill little kids at school? I do not know the answer.  I want to say we need to teach more empathy and non violence, but we are and we do, and still. Maybe there hasn’t been enough time to start seeing results yet. I try to say that we can’t understand it because it does not make sense, and so there’s no way to make it make sense. And that is terrifying.  We must find an answer. We have to break this.  I try to prepare her for if and when it happens        to her I will understand if you choose to be a hero and I understand if you hide, and I understand if you can not get away. You won’t even know until you are in the moment, so don’t only practice one way out of it.  I try to prepare for if and...

The landscape crew was already finishing up when I arrived at the office this morning. The sun was shining, the grass smelled so fresh,  the dew on the Japanese maple shimmered as I passed, and so I slowed my step, breathing in deep through my nose and out with relief and hope for this day.  Good morning! I told the guy with the leaf blower as he stopped to let me pass. And I noticed that I really meant it! I’m going to write this down. I should be  want to be writing more things down.  All day I made a plan to sit in the sun when I got home from work. I just want to sit in the sun and breathe. And that's what I did. I am still out here actually.  James and I did sneak away for sushi and I spooned slow sips of miso soup and closed my eyes a lot. I wanted to stay outside until the sky turned green blue purple. After dinner I brought my guitar out onto the back porch and practiced a bit. If I tried to give up being on my phone so much I would probably spend more t...

I  feel the blues creeping in a little But they aren’t boredom (I try to name them) I don’t forget as often anymore that I have things to read or see or places to be, things to look forward to. Sometimes I am hard on myself for not writing more, but I know I’ll get there someday. It’s just in me. So I can be comforted knowing it’s always there. And I can look forward to the peaceful moments in the future that are full of me writing writing writing. I just have so much more to tell. I’m not as tired, this is another good sign, at least not as much as I feel like I’ve gotten used to being tired over the past 5 years. I can see some healed spots from here, and it’s probably important to keep track of this sort of thing.  This fall will be 5 years marking my leap out the window - that’s the  way it felt, everywhere but my body. I chose to change my life completely, marriage, motherhood, me- I jumped out of a skyscraper and walked away.   I’m saying there are some stunt p...