VerySo

It's November 1st Eve, the night before NaNoWriMo and so I figured why not get a head start as I stand at my laptop in the kitchen while I fix up our food for what I hope lasts us through the day so I don't have to cook again for a while.  I'm like a kid on Christmas morning just before padding down the hallway to approach the packages under the tree. I'm going to write everyday. I also start REHEARSALS!! for the play I was just cast in.  And I'm not going to say I'm writing again or getting into theater finally since X many years .  I'm writing. I'm doing theater. I'm being me. Giving myself stuff to look forward to every morning.  

These things happen to me. I need to get a new tire, all new tires really and just have not yet. So it's a lot of trips checking the air in my tires at the gas station until I get this fixed. And last time the little cap for the tire valve went ploop right into my hubcap and apparently lost forever. I added a trip to Auto Zone for more caps to my never ending to-do list and you guessed it, haven't made it there yet.  Well this morning when I was airing up the ol' tires again I saw a smooshed cap on the ground. Hmm I wondered if that one was mine... and then I thought I should just take a look around that whole area. And I found a cap in some leaves up against the curb that happened to fit just fine in place of my missing one. So, win? Felt like it at least!  Ivy's away game was cancelled today, so now I don't have to feel guilty about missing it, or stressed about how I could possibly make it work to go. I want to get to the place where those are not factors in ou...

I made it to the end of this day -- this whole weekend -- and I don't feel defeated. I am happy with the choices I made and am making, the pause I'm taking instead of hitting every single beat . Being okay with the chaos; surrendering to the flow even if sometimes it feels like I'm falling off a cliff. The lie is that once I fall it's into nothingness. That I should think it's over. The truth is that I never end. Letting go [of my false sense of control] creates the momentum necessary to survive. I'm getting to know it better.

I got up this morning with less buzzing pressure in my heart, the anxiousness ever-present but making itself more comfortable at home there, cozying up on the little couch inside my chest.  I could give up on this day from the start, or I can do at least one something. I got dressed. I put in a load of laundry and the sunny foggy fall morning guided me to take Penny for a walk while the washer was running. And when we got back it was ready for the dryer and look I'm already in a rhythm.  I'm taking this time to do nothing in particular until the rest of my people wake up, see if someone wants to go to the Saturday market with me, maybe find goodies to do some baking and soup making later today. When I don't resist, these are some things that lead me back to me.  

 I'm lost. And I can't find myself anywhere.  I am a closed up clam, shut so tight that you'd think that's just a rock . But what I have inside- OH MY GOODNESS I've been holding on to so much inside here. But it's all old news and past hurts and things that just aren't in cool to bring up anymore and when I finally one day feel a little safe space to just loosen my grip and release a little out, test the waters, let's see how safe it really is out there for all I've been holding in... it's just too late. And some of it is going to hurt people other than just myself. (Which is why I keep holding it in, I guess, thinking I can carry it to the end? Not realizing the cavern I've created with a weight heavier than a shipping container full of moldy LuLaRoe leggings and here I've made everyone else go away anyways. They are so far across the divide. Because of me and all my clammed up undealt-with trash.) It's so scary lonely here.  (So do...

When I cut out sugar and am super mindful about what I eat and drink  it makes my body feel better and it really does make it feel lighter and I feel a little high in that lightness and I love how it feels and I like the ways inflammation subsides in my body and that high feeling feels a lot like  reminds me of when I was young and learned an upside down way that really harmed me and I can feel panicked like that is happening again even though it isn't  but the fear of it always being there  coming back and then me even wishing it would come back sometimes so I could be thin again even if for a little bit  even though when I was smaller I didn't take note or even really enjoy it when I'm smaller I'm still  not enough  enough small or whatever and I brace myself for when the comments come about looking better  because I probably am looking better sometimes but when I hear it, it brings me back to there and it makes me uncomfortable in a way that my...

I am going to start. Plotting my coordinates. How much I've been asking of myself to keep a mental record of it all.  I need to be writing it all down.  In the car on my way back to work after a lunch break at home, breathing deep hoping the radio delivers and it does with Pannonica by Thelonious Monk And I'm rescued. I'm back. We have supports! Use your supports. Music. Scents. Air. Stretching. Water. Stones. (sometimes for me that also includes nuzzling my people, podcasts, coffee, messenger, shopping for books, playing gardenscapes on my phone, writing bits in my notes app, cannabis, instagram stories) Maybe I filled a hole, a wound, and it was deeper than passersby could see so it looked like it took extraordinarily long but I was just working away in there as best I could until I was high enough to  climb out.  Maybe I am going to find the best of what's right now and exploit the shit out of it.  I have summer goals, yes I do. I am going to write and I'm ...