VerySo

  Take cover in bright things. Rest in the darkness, then put my face to the light in the morning. view on Instagram

Needs a little stretch Some oil for the tin man Bend the legs, raise your arms Make an adjustment You don't have to change who you are just scootch a little there is plenty of room It's not a space issue so make room already l o o s e n   u p deep breath water to the mouth find your heart and mind it with your own hand bend adjust stretch reach release receive.

In this house the bathroom is literally the only room you can be alone, so.  And I don't like crying where people can see. I don't like to ask for help. I should be able to handle this myself. I don't need anyone to see me need* . Don't be obscene. Don't be extra. Don't be. When I was a kid I remember hearing that Vanna White once said that you could just open your mouth in the shower and use it as a water pik. Now you know way too much about my shower habits and that makes me uncomfortable.  *a poem shook life-changing sense back into focus for me. That knot in your shoulder, lump in your throat... those things can dislodge and things can feel okay again. Read Kate Baer's What Kind Of Woman   and give it away as gifts.

Overgrown or grown over spilling and free?  Stretched out thin/  or outstretched and reaching, catching, soft landing for what falls in our spread?  Trapped / or escaping ? Discarded/  or adaptable? A little bit of thanatosis* if you will. S urvival. S kill.  A crawl is faster than  never  waking up. * According to a swift Wikipedia search thanatosis is colloquially known as Apparent Death (no wonder it feels like for twenty years I was a ghost)  —  this form of animal deception is an adaptive behavior often used as a defense mechanism. Some of us have to fight, some have to take flight, and many of us have to freeze/ play dead/ we do what we do  as long as we can/  as long as we have to.  This life.  view on Instagram

Sisters, Oregon I was supposed to be in Colorado last week. My parents were going to meet us there. I haven't hugged them since June of 2019. That's almost 18 months. I still kept my time off of work and "vacationed" at home. I mostly cooked and a memory of an old life almost came into view, of how things used to be. I didn't let myself go there for too long, and that's a good thing. Some might see denial, however what they don't know is that on this side of my boundary it looks a lot different, and it guards me. hazelnut farm Luna (I learned she was trans a couple years ago now, and we adjusted -- didn't bat an eye -- this in no way offers anyone an accurate depiction of how easy or difficult it is for her nor does it represent the "beliefs" of some of her blood relatives about which I have a lot to say a lot maybe we will chat about it sometime) is in 9th grade via remote learning for... ages now , since the beginning of the shut down befor...

What did you do with your wedding ring when you divorced?  I stopped wearing it immediately. It was a piece of jewelry that I always liked, even if it represented something that I did not like. When I needed money, I made up a number in my head that I wouldn't go below and I sold it to a local jeweler.  My only regret is that I was put in a position where I was forced to sell it. I would have probably kept it otherwise, but for what I'm not sure. Probably to keep just in case I needed the money. So.  Now I tend to wear giant rings on all of my fingers. None of them are fine jewelry and that is fine with me.  

I escaped to a cabin in the woods for a few days to work on writing and music. We drove through a blizzard in the mountains in the dark and I considered for the second time in a matter of days that I might just be too brave sometimes. Anyway I can’t wait to see what the outdoors looks like here in the morning! The night snow is sparkly and cleansing. I can hear the river but haven’t seen it yet.  PS I want to tell people I love them more. I want to love more people. I want people to love more.  PPS I am going to sketch President Biden and Vice President Harris helping us off the rollercoaster one by one and sitting us down to rest and warm our hands by the dumpster fire of this current life and they serve us hot cocoa in mugs and tell us everything is going to be all right in a soft and calm and even voice and we believe even if it’s just for a moment that hope is available and there’s plenty in stock, no limit.  Pssst update here’s my first draft lol: 

Here is something I made with James in our bedroom. (He plays the guitar beautifully and did all the mixing and put it on a CD for me and I don't know how to share it here other than mailing people CDs that they would  then have to figure out how to play. So I took a video of the CD playing on my computer at work.)  This song is a cover by Neil Young, Comes a Time has always been one of my favorite songs my whole life. 

I am taking it as good found fortune that my stress response this week has been eat all the healthy food you can . I stress-shopped the grocery yesterday and bought greens, and mini puff rice cakes, and watermelon radish, celery, and JICAMA. I bought a jicama. These are my new snacks.  I wish I'm hoping that next week's stress response adds in urgency to exercise because I am having trouble getting myself moving. Hold on... I have a standing desk at which I only use in the sitting position most of the time. We will stand for this part.  (medium length pause and motor sounding sound as desk raises) Ok much better. See I'm already making some progress this day and it's only 8:55am. 

When I got divorced, I hadn't had a "work outside the home" job in... decades. I had saved zero money and would have to get back to working full time as soon as possible. I was hired as a patient care coordinator at an animal hospital nearby and loved it. I couldn't believe they would even give me the opportunity considering how long I'd been out of the game. I pretty much didn't think anyone would want me- a newly divorced single mom with four kids? That's the exact same thing I thought about when friends suggested I try dating. (Well, do I have a story for you...)  Anyway, the animal hospital was wonderful and so perfect for me to get on my feet. I loved seeing the animals, I learned a lot of valuable information, and I gained confidence in myself and my abilities. I wasn’t making enough money to get by and was hoping to find something that had more flexibility, as the kids needed rides to school and after school care was so expensive, and if they needed...

Long story short: I believed something to be true from the inside out top down 100% - when I’m in I am ALL IN. That belief was in charge of all of my decisions, policed my desires, shamed my inadequacies and my dreams, and wrote a future without my input. Actually the whole point of being all in on that faith was to be the best at not considering your own input because that was worldly and “of man” and not “of God” and so all those gut instincts you had that went against what you were told to do or what was being done to you? Yeah. No wonder I had stomach issues and mental illness at such an early age. But we prayed for that to be healed and it never went away but I got really good at pretending to be okay. It’s not even something I wanted to get good at but you do what you have to do to survive.  My old blog was written by someone in survival mode using words to stay afloat. I am thankful for it.  I think the final post I wrote on it was the morning of the 2016 election. Here...

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 Do what you have to do to get there. Some people used to travel on ships for weeks. Months even! So your bed is a ship and the clothes on the floor are sharks and you need to stay put a little longer. You're not there yet. Where did you go? I have been on pause like rich folks go on holiday. I am un-doing a lot of doings that have been done. I haven't been myself for a couple decades.  Flaude is a little character I made up with they/them pronouns. We are all flaude. so very. view on IG