VerySo

[What gets me to here/scene:  Comfy dress no bra baggy sweater Futon by the window with several pillows all in variations of my favorite color grey and  Root beer with ice (guilty pleasure) A little high Earbuds & moody Spotify playlist  Just got off work/done with dinner for kids/back from a walk with Penny]   It was some blue sky at 5pm  That feeling. ! That familiarity of being on this side - oh much closer to spring if we just leeeeeeeean that way. A gift to be present to the little extra light in your day.  To have things within reach. I can handle winter. I was born in winter and I was made  to outgrow it.  I might resurrect my old blog with a new voice. I could retell the stories and tell the truth this time. It could be healing for me. What if this helps me learn my own history that I feel I know nothing about? More about the old life- what if those years I regret was just the wrapper  protecting this part of me  To get me to...

It actually snowed here today. It so rarely does that even with it forecasted for days we were all very surprised. Suddenly everyone cares about finding their gloves and coats that only get used maybe a couple times every few years. But has it been that long since we left the house? What even is time? The kids have been home due to the pandemic since March of last year. I forgot that a life of them actually going back to school could be a thing still some day.  Luna started going to limited in person instruction for a couple hours a few days a week. I had to go pick her up early today because of the snow. I got stuck and so did everyone else. And it’s not even a lot of snow, but we have hills and mountains and such in between here and the school. Eventually I get to her by getting unstuck and having to backtrack and go the long way around. Took about one and a half hours for a five-minute drive. Here’s where a soft little lesson moment could go if I weren’t so grumpy about it still...

Just recently I completely forgot the gender my kid was assigned at birth.  In case you're curious where I'm at regarding having a transgender child.  Her name at birth was "gender neutral" anyway and I had to really think about it, because girl and boy don't really trigger anything anymore. What even is gender?  This third baby —  the one who received the most comments on how she "would have made a beautiful girl" ... and aww "you're in that Club now with three boys"... those kinds of things. Things people couldn't have known, and wouldn't have the tools to understand —  received her first puberty blocker injection two weeks ago.  Life in general only got better for our family and of course especially Luna when she came out as trans. I had a happier and livelier kid! Many many many unsolved mysteries were finally answered, or at least made a lot more sense. And um, yeah- I had no clue. Me , attachment parenting empathic listener h...

I was playing Words with Friends on my phone and in a mood to just play anyone. Unfortunately along came a guy who wanted to chat. I tried to be polite and short about it— I mean I don’t even want to chat with my actual friends on there when I play and then he messaged “I assume you’re married with kids?”  Well. I replied, “in a relationship with kids” when first of all I shouldn’t have answered that, but at the same time wanted to shut him up. So yes I’m in a relationship and have kids, but they aren’t his kids— the guy I’m in a relationship with. I was married, for an amount of years I don’t know off the top of my head thank god and refuse to do the math because I want to continue to not care. I do know that my divorce was three years ago as of the beginning of this month. Anyway that’s how come the kids. And I’m not married and will never marry again, and don’t encourage my kids to desire to marry and the relationship I’m in now is with my one true childhood love. He moved acro...

I was using packing tape to seal up an envelope extra good, sending my Mom an early* Valentine's Day card with some treats inside and a mask in dachshund & hearts print I found at a boutique downtown. *marking the little wins, being early or showing up at all for anyone right now means a lot to me and is a muscle I need to strengthen. The tape was on one of those packing tape dispensers but it was a new roll so it hadn't been "started" yet and let me tell you it didn't start out well. One tiny strip ran down the roll right from the start, which meant losing a lot of packing tape real estate trying to just get it wide enough to start a decent tear -- and then pull pull pull until you get the whole section of tape in the correct size again. With a crumpled sticky foot of un-usable tape as the casualty. I beheld this "chaff" declaring that it represents the starter part of my life starter part of my life that was necessary to get me to the whole piece. ...

I fell asleep hard and woke up thinking it had to be morning - time to get back up and hobble the ten paces to the living room where I work from home for now. forever? But it was only midnight. James was still up playing guitar. I missed the whole evening. Again.  When we both finally had our heads back on the pillows I suggested we try to hang out while we are sleeping, in our dreams. Maybe that could work? But then he started talking about flying and the hammer of Thor and I was really thinking more like drifting off to a secluded house in the trees on a mountain with no one around, living off the land, think Little House on the Prairie but with better books and less patriarchy. 

the kind of elated exhaustion  like after giving birth so scary so happy so much responsibility! so much lots of things at once (the birth is only the beginning, an introduction to your new tired costume) your cells your fingernails the hair on the back of your neck the spot behind your knee your big toe could sleep the deep kind of sleep a rest that turns you inside out and outside in again  a Solemn silent rest  plug into your charger  wearegoingtoneedit

I am hungry, but nothing sounds good I buy all my favorite things I used to binge and now  they go stale and I throw them away We went hiking yesterday and it felt like we were be being bad going outside and we left the first place because it had too many cars. We found an empty trail somewhere else to walk around, but it's not the same. Everything just feels out of focus to my skin.  I break things like cycles. I broke the cycle of staying in an unhappy marriage. I grew up watching unhappy wives all around me and one day decided that it didn't have to be that way. It is not impressive to me to make it to a silver anniversary. There's a lot more to just putting your time in and I hope it's a happy one. If it isn't get out now as soon as you can. I broke the cycle of going to church. What a horrific and unforgivable loss of my life spent going to church for constant brainwashing and feeling guilty for not going enough - the times we only made it to two services in...

Today I messed up thinking I was supposed to pick up Ivy & Luna from their dad's at 8am as usual but because it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day they don't have school and I missed the part in the parenting plan where that meant they stay with him until Tuesday morning.  Honestly, I really did think that was how it was- for them to stay the 3 day weekend, but second guessed myself and scanned the "holidays" column on the parenting plan I pulled up in my email by searching my lawyer's assistant's name because I haven't saved it anywhere else yet. I didn't see MLK day on the plan but on my fourth read-through this morning, after reading their dad's accusatory to me email, and then texting to confirm, I see where it's hidden in a paragraph somewhere else. It's just that I try so hard, but I still keep fucking up. And this might seem a small thing- but the fact that he had to bring it to my attention it feels like he has the power again. St...

Today I drove around while listening to a Spotify playlist of Rainy Days and Mondays.  Today I bought extra strength probiotics at Rite Aid.  Today I thought about starting an anonymous blog about my job.  I said I was done D-O-N-E at 5pm hello 3-day weekend and then there I go at 6pm doing work stuff because I don’t want to let clients down. But now I’m really off off. Whatever needs to be done can get done on Tuesday. Today I asked for a blank and got it.  Today I kicked ass.