VerySo

I could be sleeping right now. No kids to take to school this morning. But I’m awake and want to be sleeping. If my mind is up, I have to get my body up. Glass of water. Light a candle. Find my headphones, refill my water. You got this. Little flashes of last night’s tech rehearsal. I can do this or that better. And I remember / I already got the part. Second guessing. It’s already been answered. I got this. And will get it again.  I’m starting to resent these god awful early wake ups a little less, as I come to realize that this time is where I locate myself, and get clear communication. I require the quiet moments. Yesterday was scrambly and muddled. I didn’t have room to think.  I get so hard on myself and the punishment is not allowing myself to feel anything bad OR anything good. So it all feels wrong. It doesn’t feel at all. This is no way to live. Or grow.  It’s my survival response I tell myself a lot of times, it’s what I do. It’s an unfortunate way of life but i...

I don’t have to reach for everything.  some things will be out of your reach, no matter how much you think you want it, and that's not a bad thing.  Either you’re just not there yet  or you’re just not there  Tight and balled up while being pulled in a thousand directions Everything is  Far away and at the same time crushing me  I see the memes. I see the shares, posts, it’s in the language now, we are wellness mental health aware all knowing.  I tell my kids, I comment to everyone (in my head) “Quit returning to the well that is dry quit returning to any well that is not you” And keep your own well filled. How are you doing? So that you can say to it I am well. I am the well. My well is full.  In moments like now in the morning before I want to be up  I’m thankful for this quiet. It drowns out everything that needs to get done, and prepares a place - a space  I should list what I’m thankful for, I backspace over the *should and scroll u...

I skipped the post full of excuses. It isn't welcome here.  I must write down the good things, allow myself the space to appreciate and be grateful and not fear it will cancel out any good to come, if I really look at it then I also have to face the reality that it even exists (and how? ) and has to end eventually, so I... The weekend was actually good and I have nothing to even dread today. Work will go fast and play practice tonight is a full run of the show, with an audience including Dr. Whitebear, and each additional day we get deeper into the play. That's a lot to look forward to.  Ivy, Luna, & I saw Mean Girls at the Keller in Portland on Saturday. Thankful for the cheap obstructed view seats, I was able to afford to take the three of us. It went perfectly and our spot was hardly obstructed in any way, which is always a gamble but for theater people (at least us) we love a peek at the wings. We shopped every room at Powell's and had the best time with Molly and P...

 Why isn't it normal and brave and inspiring admirable to be someone who quits so artfully, or completely fall apart-ly doesn't matter... just why isn't that considered  When some people are praised and raised to go big at the beginning, make it your thing and then figure it out later and Make It Work, make it fit even if it doesn't. That doesn't sound comfortable or good. What if it doesn't figure out? Then just fake it/force it? For what? To what end?  I mean, I get the "power" of being strong enough to keep going keep pushing through but not everything. ? How badass is the person who gets that far in and is like, I know I put in all this time and work and I will have nothing to show for all this but it is not going to get a good result and pushing through will not change the result, it will just cause more discomfort and loss of time you can never get back or create more of, so let's cut our losses. It sucks but now we get another chance to get ...

I didn't even feel put-out that I still woke up early this morning with the time change and everything. I felt rested, that's all that matters really. I don't care what the time on the clock says especially on my day off. The earlier the better sometimes because then that means more alone and quiet time is to be had.  Yesterday I was proactive and stayed ahead of the depression that I've been sensing wants to have the spotlight. I made an indulgent and heart scrubby playlist, headphones in and listened to music instead of a podcast - just knew I needed an escape from talking and information that is always in the background. I straightened up a few things, organized the xmas gifts that have started to arrive, drank a glass of ice water, and took a very long hot shower. Wore my usual weekend loungewear of maxi dress, infinity scarf, gigantic soft cardigan and Uggs. No bra of course. And I have two new paperbacks to read, bumping whatever else is in my to be read stack. An...

It’s 3:51 pm and I’ve been standing in line for the pharmacy inside Rite aid since 3:21pm. The   line has moved up 2 people and that includes the gal who had a dog in front of me and I think she had to take him potty.  Someone just now came down the line to get our names.  I am now 10th in line. I have to wait because I need to pick up Luna’s estrogen patches before she goes to her dads for the weekend. They only let you refill like the moment she has to put on her next patch. This is the first chance I’ve had to camp out for this, within a window of time that no one can see in or out of. It’s ridiculous and it’s been like this the past couple months because of staffing shortages I guess? I know the people working here can’t be thrilled about it and I’m so glad at least they showed up to work today. It could be so much worse.  Thankfully I can work from my phone. But this sucks. It’s like everything even minor inconveniences are just made extra hard these days. ...

 The cast list for The Thanksgiving Play at the Majestic Theatre has been posted !  Of course, I already knew I was cast to play the part of Logan, notified by the director via email, but this makes it official official. First time I have "made the cast" since email notification times omg it's been a while.  It's a "Readers' Theatre" production which means that I do not have to memorize my lines, and this is all new to me! We are still acting on stage (no masks required for performers only while on stage) and have these little scripts that we will have in our hand the whole time. I've heard it feels super natural after a bit. Honestly nice to not have so much pressure because it's 90 minutes on stage with no breaks. I didn't have rehearsal tonight, which was a nice little break to just veg out. I have had back to back Zoom parent/teacher conferences the past 3 days and am zapped. I made an awesome dinner of pan fried noodles and broccoli for ...

If I was the kind of person who chose a word for the New Year (I am, but I don't like to put the pressure on myself, so I say I'm not that kind of person anyway) I would pick the word "release." Maybe I will. I've already made a chart of the holiday movies I want us to watch in the coming weeks maybe starting now, and gifts are already being bought and I am not rushing things I realized- if I didn't get this much of a head start I would never ever catch up. I always feel so impossibly far behind this really is my only chance. This is the way I survive right now. More realizations. I need to let go  of the grip I have on my babies but they were my life jackets  and I was drowning and I used them. And I love them so much that I don't want them to feel like they had to keep me afloat. Now that I'm knowing better I'm doing better, but it's a lot on my mind. So, release means to set free from. It doesn't mean chuck it out the window, or give u...

Four minutes until the pasta is done for the salad I'm making to go with tonight's dinner. I am home on a break from work real quick and getting done what I can. Threw some dog/couch blankets in the washer. Finally located and filled out my ballot and will drop it off on the way to rehearsal tonight.  A couple minutes to write. I know I could be having the kids help more, doing meals, grocery runs, but I make it work. What if I didn't have to make it anything? I know I need to get ahead of this. I was able to fit in a supermarket sweep at the store in between school drop offs, when else would I be able to? And so good to get it done already. And really sweet convo with the cashier, too. I feel better when I start the day positive and productive. The fog has hung here all day. Makes the mountains smoky, everything very storybook, filtered, and sleepy. I am so tired inside and out.  Thinking a lot about how "a mother is only as happy as her saddest child". And how I...

 I am thankful for the moment of clarity I discovered while digging in the junk drawer looking to replace the batteries in the TV remote. We've popped the left one out and back in for the last time. It's dead.  Who is checking mine? Who is taking care of me? Reminder, only me. And I am not going to dread that thought or let it drag me down with guilt that I'm not better at it. I'm thanking myself for noticing the dimming lights, the caution signals, the empty signs and am looking forward to putting myself first. And out of everyone I'm pretty damn amazing at taking care of people. So I'm lucky I have me.